


When They Had Nothing

by thingyoudowiththatthing



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Blame Bucky for that one, Bullying, Casualties of War, Child Abuse, Explosions, Fighting, Forced Labour, Homophobic Society, Human Experimentation, Kids fighting, M/M, Minor Character Death(s), Mutual Pining, PTSD, Pining, Suppressed Feelings, The cyclone, Torture, Violence, Violent father, WW2, War, War in Europe, distant father, domestic abuse, fragile heath, implied sex, prisioners of war, puking, slight jealousy, yes that's a warning ask Steve
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-28
Updated: 2018-10-17
Packaged: 2019-07-18 15:33:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 34,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16121474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thingyoudowiththatthing/pseuds/thingyoudowiththatthing
Summary: Even when Bucky and Steve had nothing as kids they had each other. Through ups and downs, no matter what life threw at them they stood by each other’s side. Their friendship over the years grew stronger and stronger, as there was nothing these two wouldn’t see each other through. The love between them didn’t end when war forced them apart and they grew from boys to men.





	1. First Sight

**Author's Note:**

> This Series is Writing for CABigBang on Tumblr. Art of the series are created by https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ischa 
> 
> You can also read the series on tumblr: https://until-theend-oftheline.tumblr.com/  
> and find Ischa's art at: http://ischa-posts.tumblr.com/

## April 16th, 1922

Bucky jumped out of the car right behind his father, and his eyes widened. The look of awe only a child could possess spread across his small face. This place was nothing like Shelbyville, Indiana, where he had spent the first five years of his young life.

The city around him was buzzing and busy as the people went about their day. The cars were fancier, and everyone seemed as if they were in a rush to be somewhere. While Bucky’s little sister clung to her mom, overwhelmed by it all. He was the complete opposite. He looked around the city; soaking in every person, every store and interaction in. He felt the excitement grow within him, and it was all he could do not to run off to explore his new city right away. Bucky knew that such actions would get him in trouble with his parents, so he stayed close to their new building while he let his eyes do the wandering for him.

He watched children play on a street corner. A store owner yelled at a boy probably 10 years older than Bucky to get a move on. He watched women in fancy dresses, stopped in front of a store giggling and chatting.

His eyes didn’t stop until they landed on a small blond boy. He probably wasn’t that much younger than Bucky, but he was much smaller. He looked frail and sickly, but there was a fire behind his blue eyes as he stared down the pair that Bucky assumed were his parents. The father was yelling at the mother, looming over her in a threatening manner. Something within Bucky twisted. He wanted to stop the man. He wanted to protect the woman, whose hand was on her son’s shoulder as if she was getting ready to push him back.

Bucky was only five years old, and there was nothing he could do. Nothing that wouldn’t earn him a spanking for meddling in other people’s business, still he moved. He wasn’t sure why he did it or what he hoped to accomplish by nearing the family he knew nothing about.

Before Bucky could get further than a few steps, the back of the man’s hand collided with the woman’s cheek. Anger like nothing he had ever felt before bubbling inside Bucky. The feeling didn’t last long. It was soon replaced with one of complete awe and admiration as the frail blond boy wiggled himself out from under his mother’s hand, placing himself between his parents.

Bucky wasn’t sure what the argument had been about, nor was he able to make out the child’s words to his father. All he knew was that his stomach twisted as he watched the man’s stone-cold stare towards his son. For a second, Bucky was sure the man was going to hit him, and he jumped, meaning to run to the boy’s aid. He didn’t get far before a hand closed around his arm dragging him back towards his new home. His father’s reprimands filled his ears, but the words of how he was too old to be running off like that and it was his duty to stay by his mom and sister’s side didn’t register with him. It wasn’t like he hadn’t heard it all before anyway, and right now, Bucky’s attention was somewhere more important.

The man didn’t hit his son. Instead, he spun around heading straight for the bar at the end of the street while the mom knelt down in front of her son. Bucky didn’t know what she was saying, but her demeanor and loving touch stood in great contrast to the one of her husband as she almost seemed to be checking her boy for injuries, even if she was the one that had just been struck.

The boy just smiled, taking her hand as she got back on her feet, following her down the street, but not before his head turned, and Bucky met his eyes. An unexplainable warmth spread through Bucky’s body as the boy stared at Bucky who was being dragged backward by his own father. Bucky didn’t feel the bruising hold on his arm or the strong words directed at him. He just saw the blue eyes widening in surprise as Bucky sent him his brightest smile. He wasn’t exactly sure what it was he felt, but in that second, a connection was formed. A connection that neither boy could ever have known what would come to mean to both of them. Neither of them ever forgot the moment they first saw each other, or that years would pass before their paths crossed again.

## July 3rd, 1927

“Bucky pleeease,” Rebecca whined as she skipped backward down school halls, looking up at her older brother walking in front of her. The seven-year-old girl wanted nothing more than to go to the 4th of July parade this weekend, but their mom was out of town, and their dad was working security for one of the main speakers. Bucky was old enough to go on his own while Rebecca was not. She did, however, think that she could convince her parents to let her go if Bucky promised them to take care of her and not let her out of his sight.

Bucky never intended on turning her down. Even if he would have loved to go with his friends from his wrestling team, that was all walking with him at the moment, he loved his sister. This meant so much to her, so of course, Bucky wasn’t going to turn her down. That didn’t mean he couldn’t keep her in suspense for a little while though.

“What’s in it for me?” Bucky asked with a cheeky grin plastered across his face, making his friends laugh.

The little girl came to a stop in front of her brother as a thoughtful frown formed on her face.

“I’ll shine your shoes for two Saturdays,” she offered, making Bucky smirk and take a step towards her. If she was gonna bargaining, he might as well teach her how to do it properly.

“Four,” he countered, smiling at the pout on her face. There was no doubt in his mind she wanted to kick him over the shin right about now, but she was also too stubborn to give in.

“Three,” she crossed her arms over her chest, staring her brother down. Bucky couldn’t help but feel more than a little proud of her, still, the urge to mess with her was too great.

“And eat all my broccoli for a week,” Bucky extended his hand for her to shake, but wasn’t able to hold back his laughter as her little nose scrunched up in disgust.

“Ew Buck. No!” she whined, backing away from him, but Bucky moved faster, pulling the squealing girl into his side ruffling her hair.

“I’ll take you, Becca,” he laughed, making her push against him with a half pout and half grin.

“You’re the meanest brother ever,” she stuck her tongue out at him, and Bucky laughed again.

“Yeah well, I am the only one you got. So don’t have a kitten,” he grinned before a loud crash of a chair hitting the floor sounded through the dining hall.

Bucky’s head popped around, his attention drawn towards the sound. A chair was laying on the dining room floor with a blond boy scrambling to out from under it. Looming over him was Gerry. He was a few years older than Bucky and a known bully. He never gave Bucky any trouble since he belonged to the wrestling team and was one of the more popular kids at the school. The boy picked on everyone else who was smaller and, in his eyes, more insignificant than him. Bucky never liked him, but he had stayed out of his way up until now. Occasionally he had helped kids steer clear of him while he managed to distract the idiot. Gerry wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, but he was one of the biggest and while Bucky was on the wrestling team, he preferred to not get into a fight. He had a strong sense of right and wrong, but if things could be handled with other than his fists that’s how he preferred it done.

Today, however, Bucky stepped forward. The words of his friends didn’t stop him as they called out to him that it wasn’t worth the trouble. He didn’t even listen to Rebecca pleading with him in fear that her beloved older brother would get hurt. All he saw was the blond boy scrambling to get back onto his feet, taking a defensive position with his hands raised. It was the same boy Bucky had seen defend his mother from his father’s abuse the day he had first arrived in Brooklyn 5 years ago. Bucky hadn’t seen him seen him since or felt anything like the pull he had that day, not until this moment. Back then Bucky hadn’t been in a position to help him, no matter how badly he had wanted too, but today he was.

“Give me the dough!” Gerry roared at the blond boy who just shook his head, stubbornly holding his ground against the boy twice his size.

“No, it’s mine,” the boy answered, causing Gerry to lunge forward. His fist would have collided with Steve’s jaw had Bucky not moved as fast as he did, grabbing Gerry’s arm before pushing him backward. A surprised look formed on the bully’s face seconds before it turned into one of blind rage as Bucky placed himself between Gerry and his victim.

“Leave him alone, Gerry,” Bucky ordered, not breaking eye contact with the boy that was half a head taller than himself. He knew Gerry wasn’t going to back down, but Bucky wasn’t going to throw the first punch either. It simply wasn’t who he was.

“Stay out of this, Barnes,” Gerry snarled, but Bucky didn’t move. He didn’t respond to the boy behind him either, telling him he had this on his own. Bucky knew the boy wasn’t going to pay Gerry, nor should he have too. He wasn’t about to stand by and watch him get beat up for standing up for himself either.

“Leave him alone,” Bucky repeated, punctuating each word, and for a second Gerry seemed to consider his options. He wasn’t used to picking a fight with kids that were able to hold their own against him in a fight, but he was also too dumb to back down from one. So instead of walking away like Bucky had hoped, he took a swing at him.

Bucky quickly ducked out of the way, landing his own fist against his attacker’s ribcage. Gerry took a step back, heaving for breath before jumping Bucky with a scream knocking him backward into the boy behind him, sending the three of them tumbling towards the floor.

Bucky looked over his shoulder, seeing the boy struggle for breath. His momentary worry and loss of focus cost him a punch to the face, drawing his attention and anger back towards Gerry. The boys rolled around on the floor, punching and struggling for a while before Bucky managed to get the upper hand. He straddled Gerry, placing a solid punch against his jaw and was reading another when he was dragged back by a teacher. He watched another grab a hold of Gerry who was now bleeding from his nose and screaming and kicking to get away from the adult so he could return Bucky’s favor. The teacher didn’t let go, and Bucky didn’t care about Gerry any longer. Instead, his eyes searched the room to see the blond boy leaning over one of the tables.

He was clearly still out of breath, but he seemed okay as his eyes met with Bucky’s. Just like 5 years ago when Bucky was being dragged away from him. Bucky sent him a huge genuine smile, and just like that time, the surprise on the boy’s face was evident.

Bucky didn’t care that he was in trouble as he and Gerry were being dragged along to the principal’s office. At least the boy got to keep his money without being hurt too badly. Bucky’s only regret was that he hadn’t gotten a chance to learn his name once more.  


	2. Boys and Their Fathers

##  November 2nd, 1930

Over the passing two years, the boys had grown closer. At first, Bucky’s wrestling buddies had made fun of Steve, but Bucky wouldn’t have any of that. He put a solid stop to their remarks and cruel behavior within the first few months. Bucky had never abandoned his old friends, but they had never really become friends with Steve either. They accepted him hanging around just like they accepted that Rebecca did. She on the other hand quickly became fond of Steve, keeping him company whenever Bucky was busy with wrestling or when his other friends dragged him off. Bucky ignored the comments they would make when he excused himself to return to his sister and best friend’s side. All they saw when they saw Steve was a sickly, odd boy that their friend had taken pity on. 

What they didn’t understand was that the relationship between the two boys had nothing to do with pity. It was everything but. The two of them seemed to raise each other up and make each other stronger. Steve brought out the righteous, brave side in Bucky that was always there but that he had often hidden away out of fear of getting in trouble with his old man. Granted, Steve’s do right attitude had earned him a few whippings over the years, but he had held his head high through all of them. Somehow Bucky suspected his dad respected him a bit more for it. 

Bucky, on the other hand, was able to bring out the slightly more adventurous side in Steve, and even if many of their shenanigans and mischief were done under great protest from Bucky’s younger friend, it always ended with both of them laughing and having a great time. Together they were both at their best, and together they faced everything, including when the stock market crashed and the word they had known started to crumble around them. 

Bucky’s family had never been rich, but they had been well off. His dad losing his job when the bank he worked security for closed meant they had to move out of their house and into an apartment building. Still, they weren’t poor. They had his mother’s monthly paychecks, and his dad, a decorated ex us lieutenant, didn’t have trouble finding security jobs to work from time to time. So even if their income wasn’t as high or as stable as it once was, they were still doing better than Steve’s family. 

Joseph, Steve’s father, couldn’t hold down a job, and the work at the harbor became further and further in between. Even living in the small apartment they always had and keeping the light and heat on was becoming harder and harder on only a nurse’s paycheck. Bucky always suspected there was more to their troubles than just that judging by the smell of Joseph when he passed him on his way out the door when he was coming home. He had always been drinking. Bucky knew that even if Steve had never told him. He also knew he slapped Sarah around, and there was no doubt in Bucky’s mind that Steve’s slower movements at times didn’t have anything to do with his health. 

Bucky had hated Joseph from the first moment he had laid eyes on him as a five-year-old boy, and that hatred didn’t ease as he grew older and got to know Sarah and Steve better. 

Steve didn’t hate. He always chose to see the best in people, even when Bucky was sure there was none. He didn’t push it though. There was nothing Bucky could do but keep his eyes open and be there to catch Steve if he needed him too. Just like he always had and always would. 

It was a promise Bucky would live to keep on the evening of November 2nd, 1930. The short November day had long ended, and 13-year-old Bucky was sitting on the living room floor reading when Rebecca’s voice called to his attention. 

“Steve’s outside.”

Bucky instantly looked up at his sister, seeing the snow fall outside the window behind her and hoping with everything he had she was wrong. It was freezing outside, and Steve, as small as he was, had grown out of his winter jacket. He had no business being outside in the cold like this. Most people would get a cold while Steve being Steve would most likely end up with pneumonia if he stayed out in weather like this for too long. 

“Where?” Bucky dropped his book and jumped from the floor to stand next to his sister sitting in the window case. She pointed, and Bucky’s heart dropped when he saw him. He was sitting against the wall curled into a ball, trying to keep himself warm. A part of Bucky wanted to open the window and yell at him, ask him what the yell he was thinking. He wanted to scold him for being out in the cold in the first place or for not knocking on their door the instant he got there, but a greater part of him was just concerned. Bucky ran across the apartment. He grabbed his jacket from the hallway but didn’t put it on. Instead, he kept it in his hands as he ran outside and along the building until he reached Steve. Without a word, Bucky knelt down, wrapping the jacket around his best friend, rubbing his arms up and down to try and get some warmth into him. 

“Let’s get you inside punk.” 

Bucky gently guided Steve, who still hadn’t looked up at him, onto his feet. Steve didn’t have to meet his eyes for Bucky to see the wince of pain his movement caused him. He was hurt but still trying his best for Bucky not to see. A silent war raised inside Bucky. He wanted to let go of his friend and run back to his house, shove Joseph’s drunk ass against the wall, and beat the crap out of him until he knew what it felt like.

It wasn’t what Steve wanted. Hell, Steve didn’t even want Bucky to know what his dad was really like, otherwise he would have told him already. So instead, Bucky rained in his anger and wrapped his arm around Steve leading him towards the door. 

“You’re staying here tonight,” Bucky promised him, knowing that it would take some convincing with his mom, given Steve had come here on his own so late in the evening, but he also knew she trusted Bucky’s judgment when it came to the Rogers. 

His family liked Steve and Sarah. They always did whatever they could to help them out with food or clothes. They never handed them money though. Bucky suspected it had more to do with them knowing those would end up in the hands of a bootlegger than it was them not being able to accept the handout. 

It hadn’t taken Bucky as much convincing as he thought it would for his mom to call Steve’s mom at the hospital to let her know her son was spending the night at their house. Bucky had however been convinced Steve would need a trip to the hospital himself after George had handed the frail boy the brandy glass and told him to drink. Steve had been coughing and Bucky banging his back with a flat hand before rubbing gentle circles while Winifred had scolded her husband loudly for his stupidity. 

After having gotten a bit of warm soup into Steve, with all the Barnes fussing around him for the better part of an hour,  the apartment had gone quiet. Rebecca had been dragged to her own room by their mother while Bucky had grabbed the sofa cushions and arranged them on the floor next to his bed for Steve to sleep on. 

The boys weren’t sleeping though. They were arguing about who was going to the baseball World Series and if the Dodgers were actually going to win that season. The conversation took a turn when Bucky asked Steve if he ever thought about moving away from Brooklyn. While Steve didn’t want to leave his home for good, he did dream with Bucky about places in the world they would wanna see. Like two explorers, they laughed and mapped out the adventurous they would go on together when they grew up. 

Eventually, they both quieted down, but neither of them seemed to be able to sleep, so Bucky turned to his side looking down at Steve. He felt a pain to his heart when he thought about Steve suffering outside in the cold instead of knocking on their door. Bucky hated there was a part of Steve’s life that he felt the need to keep secret from him. They were best friends, and there shouldn’t be anything that Steve couldn’t talk to him about. 

“Steve, why did you come here tonight?” Bucky asked and Steve froze staring into the ceiling without saying a word. Most other days Bucky would have backed off, but the image of Steve sitting frozen against the wall of the apartment building haunted him. Without giving it a second thought, Bucky slid off the bed and down next to his friend. Steve looked up at him in surprise which quickly turned into horror when Bucky started tugging at his shirt. 

“What are you doing? Stop!” Steve fought back but was no match for Bucky’s strength. It wasn’t much of a struggle before Bucky managed to lift up Steve’s shirt to reveal the rainbow of bruises covering his chest and ribcage. The second Bucky saw, he let go of Steve, letting him pull down his shirt and scatter backward against the wall. Steve pulled his legs up under him, wrapping his arms around his knees, staring at Bucky with a look of utter betrayal on his face, and instantly Bucky regretted his actions. 

“Steve, I’m sorry pal. I… I know he beats you and your mom okay? I know he drinks,” Bucky tried to explain himself. He couldn’t look into the painfilled blue eyes any longer, so he hung his head. “I just wanted to see how bad it was. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry,” Bucky pleaded with Steve without looking at him but meaning every single word. He had been frustrated with the secrets Steve had been keeping from him, but he had never meant to hurt him or betray his trust. 

“I just needed to get out of there,” Steve sniffled, and Bucky looked up. 

The betrayal was gone from his face and left was only pain. Bucky didn’t hesitate as he scurried towards his best friend, wrapping his arms around him, embracing him as tightly as he dared in fear of hurting him. It didn’t take long for Steve to return the hug, and the boys stayed quietly in each other’s arms, allowing the safety and reassurance that the two of them were okay wash over them. When they released each other, Bucky didn’t crawl back into bed. He stayed on the cushions on the floor next to Steve, promising him he would always have a place to stay whenever he needed it. He stayed awake listening to Steve’s breathing as he fell asleep next to him. He told himself he didn’t move back to the bed because he wanted to make sure Steve was alright. He wanted to keep him safe through the night, which was the truth, but it wasn’t the entire truth. He needed to be close to his friend just as much as Steve needed to be close to him. They were too old to sleep so tightly against each other, but it didn’t feel wrong to either of them and when Bucky finally fell asleep, he felt more at ease with himself than he had in a long time. 

##  December 20th, 1931

Bucky’s room had become Steve’s hideout after that. He never left his place if his mom was home. He took the beatings to spare her, but whenever she was working evenings and nights, Steve was in Bucky’s room, hiding from the wrath of his drunken father. Over a year passed like that, and the two boys friendship grew stronger. 

Bucky never questioned or pushed Steve again, but once in a while, he opened up to his best friend anyway. He told him about the times he had hidden in the back of the closet when his dad roamed the house with a baseball bat. He told Bucky of the times he had stepped between his parents to save his mother. With every story he heard, Bucky hated Joseph a little more. The hate within him built and built. So much so that the day the news of Joseph’s early demise reached the Barnes household, Bucky didn’t grieve. He smiled, relieved and happy that the bully had gotten what he had coming. Fallen into the East River and succumbing to hyperthermia seemed like a just end in Bucky’s eyes. He knew it was wrong, but picturing Joseph die a slow painful death brought him immense satisfaction. Bucky was a kid. He could protect Steve against the bullies at school, but he had never been able to protect him against the one at Steve’s own house. Knowing Steve would never suffer at the hands of his father again eased Bucky’s mind. Which was the reason Bucky was a little confused to see Steve and Sarah’s tears at the funeral a few days later. How could they grieve for someone that had only ever caused them harm? Bucky didn’t push the matter though. He stayed by Steve’s side. Close enough to touch without actually touching. 

That entire day Steve didn’t leave Sarah’s side. He stayed close to his mom, making sure she had everything she needed, while Bucky stayed were Steve could always see him. Their eyes met every now and again. With every encouraging nod and smile Bucky mustered to send Steve, he got a relieved grateful one in return. 

Even after everyone else had left and Steve helped his mom to bed, Bucky stayed that day. He knew that Steve was holding himself together. He was being strong for his mom and for everyone around him, but Bucky also wanted him to know that he didn’t have to be. Steve didn’t have to hold back a single emotion when it was just the two of them. He didn’t care if Steve wanted to grieve the man that Bucky hated. He just wanted to be there for him and for Steve to know he didn’t have to be the strong one for a little while. 

No words were uttered between the two boys as Bucky followed Steve out the door, sitting down next to him on the front stairs. He just took the two sodas Steve handed him. Bucky opened them both, handing one back to Steve without a word. He wanted to ask a million questions, but he didn’t. He just waited for Steve to be ready to speak on his own accord. 

“He wasn’t always like that,” Steve said quietly. “Not according to mom anyway. I don’t remember anything else.”

Bucky’s eyes rested on Steve as he moved a little closer, letting Steve feel him against his side. Bucky didn’t ask. He just waited. Steve wanted to talk to him, but he needed a minute. Bucky knew that as much as Steve always saw the good in people, trusting didn’t always come easy. Bucky was his only friend, and truthfully, Steve was Bucky’s only friend too. Yes, he surrounded himself with a lot of boys at school. Girls were starting to take an interest, which was very much returned, but Steve was different. He knew Bucky in a way that no one else did. Steve knew what Bucky was thinking even before he opened his mouth. No one else understood him or even tried to understand him the way that Steve always seemed to. Honestly, Bucky wasn’t sure he wanted anyone else to anyway. 

“Mom said he smiled a lot before the war. He took her dancing and made her laugh. He never hurt anyone, especially not her.” Steve didn’t look at Bucky. He just stared down at the bottle in his hands. “He lost everyone in the war. He saw things I guess…”

“My dad went to war to Steve. He’s not exactly easy to live with, but he never broke my bones,” Bucky spoke in a low voice. 

He did his best to mask his disdain for the dead man, but it was hard after having seen the array of colors on Steve’s body or having supported him when he walked around on a broken leg. Steve was always sick. He was frail. The man that was supposed to look out for him had been the one that had done him the most harm while Bucky had been powerless to do anything about it. He could protect Steve from the bullies their own age or even older, but how was he supposed to have kept him safe from a parent that decided Steve and Sarah were as good a punching bag as any?

“I know Buck. I’m not saying that what he did isn’t on him. I’m just saying that there is a reason for it,” Steve’s voice was more firm now, and he looked up, meeting Bucky’s eyes. They looked at each other for a while, before Bucky nodded, accepting that maybe war had done something to Joseph neither of the boys could understand. 

Bucky took a gulp of the soda, staring out into the cool afternoon air, wondering what his father might have been like before the war. George wasn’t abusive like Joseph. He didn’t drink, but he was dominant and bossy. It was his rules all the time and no matter what Bucky did, he never felt as if it was good enough in the eyes of his father. 

“I wonder how my dad was before the war?” Bucky muttered, feeling guilty the moment the words had left his lips. He should be comforting Steve right now, and no matter how difficult George was, it was nothing compared to the things Joseph had done to Steve. 

Steve didn’t judge Bucky though. Of course, he didn’t. He didn’t even ask what he meant, because despite Bucky not talking about how he felt pressured by his father, Steve seemed to know. Instead of saying anything, Steve just reached out, taking Bucky’s hand, giving it a squeeze, causing Bucky to look down at their hands. This should feel weird. They were most certainly too old for this kind of thing, and they were guys, not chicks. Guys weren’t supposed to hold hands like that, but Steve didn’t seem to care. The warmth rushing from their joined hands throughout Bucky’s body, causing his heart to beat a little faster as he squeezed Steve’s hand back.


	3. Friends For Life

##  April 26th, 1935

“Come on! You can’t back out on me like that! It’s tradition by now,” Bucky practically whined, giving Steve a small push. They were walking home from school for the last time that summer. Every year for the past 3 years they had gone to Coney Island the first weekend of their summer break before picking up whatever odd job they could to help out their parents. Money was tight. More so for Sarah and Steve than Bucky’s family, but that didn’t mean times weren’t tough all around. 

“Buck. Mom is sick. I can’t go this year. You know that” he sighed, before coughing as the dust from one of the passing cars hit them. Bucky noticed. He always noticed, but he also never pointed it out. Steve was treated as either a victim, small enough to pick on or a patient that needed looking after by just about everyone else. He didn’t need that from Bucky too. If Steve needed his help he was there, but coughing fits and heaving for breath Bucky usually pretended to ignore. 

“I told you Mom said Sarah could come stay at our place for the weekend. It gives us your place to ourselves too,” Bucky smirked, causing Steve to roll his eyes at him. Bucky was good looking and charming. He didn’t have to try hard to get girls’ attention, while Steve either didn’t seem very interested or have the same luck Bucky did. 

Having a place to bring girls wasn’t Bucky’s real plan though. As fun as it was seeing how far they let him go with them without being forward, Steve was way more important to him. Sarah wasn’t getting better. She had good days, but other’s the tuberculous almost prevented her from getting out of bed. Bucky worried about Steve being in the house with her. He didn’t exactly know how the illness worked, but Steve managed to pick up just about every bug as long as people just sneezed within a mile of him. 

It wasn’t even about that either though. Steve deserved a break from it all. He deserved a few hours to forget his mom was sick and that they had to struggle to get by. Bucky wanted him to have a good time, just like they used too before Sarah had started coughing blood. 

“Bucky…” Steve began protesting in that voice that made him sound twice his age, and now it was Bucky’s turn to roll his eyes. 

“Stevie…” Bucky mimicked sending Steve a smirk, and much to his relief, it broke the younger boy into laughter. 

“You’re not giving up are you?” Steve sighed, and Bucky grinned, wrapping his arm around his shoulder, leading him down the street. 

“Nope. We’re going,” he answered, knowing the battle was won. Steve needed a day away from everything as much as Bucky wanted him to have it. 

They did go too. As soon as Bucky got home he arranged with his mom and dad to have Sarah picked up the following morning. She, like Steve, didn’t take kindly to needing looking after, so Winifred planned a weekend for them, pretending to have some changes around the house she needed Sarah’s opinion on. 

Steve had become like family to the Barnes, much like Bucky had to Sarah. Just like Bucky’s place used to have been Steve’s getaway while his dad was alive, Steve’s had now become Bucky’s. At the Rogers’ there was no one making remarks about his grades or what he should be doing with his life. There were no remarks about wasted time or not being enough. There was warmth and hugs when Bucky brought Steve back home after having saved him from yet another beating. There were smiles and teasing. There was freedom for Bucky to be who was and accepted or even loved for it. Bucky didn’t just worry about Sarah for Steve’s sake. He worried because he loved her too. She was family, too.

So the next morning, after finally shaking his little sister that had insisted on coming, Bucky headed out the door with Steve after hugging their moms goodbye. Bucky kissed his sister’s cheek before he left, promising her a trip for the three of them before summer was over. A promise that made her face light up before hugging him goodbye, knowing that her brother didn’t make promises he didn’t intend to keep. 

“We could have brought her with us you know?” Steve said, looking over at Bucky as he let himself fall down in the train seat next to Steve. Bucky just rolled his eyes, giving Steve his trademark grin. 

“Nah this is our tradition. Besides having her pester mom and dad for money to go too will earn us an extra trip, just like every year,” Bucky laughed. It was Steve’s turn to roll his eyes, but he didn’t object. 

It wasn’t really why Bucky never wanted Rebecca to come with them on their first trip of the year. He loved his sister, and unlike a lot of other older brothers, he didn’t mind having her tag along most places. Coney Island, or at least this first trip of the summer, was different though. It was the first trip that he and Steve had taken together that required a bus or train ride. It was theirs. Something they did together and Bucky wanted to keep it that way. He liked having something with Steve that was just for the two of them and no one else. 

This year was different though. Steve was quieter, and no matter what Bucky tried he didn't seem to have fun. His smile didn’t quite reach his eyes, and he didn’t talk back as much when Bucky got snarky with him. 

Normally by this time, Bucky would have found a couple of girls he tried to halfway impress and halfway talk Steve up too. It never felt completely right, but not wrong either. Bucky wasn’t even sure why. When he was his own the nagging feeling was never there, only when Steve was around. The truth was he preferred spending their time alone together, but he also knew Steve. He was too shy to walk up to a girl on his own, so it was Bucky’s job as his best friend to help him out. Right? 

Today that wasn’t Bucky’s concern though. It was just to get Steve to let loose and have a good time. He wanted him to smile and have some fun. Steve carried the weight of the world at times, but Bucky would happily carry him if it helped ease his pain a little. 

“Let’s go on the rollercoaster.” Bucky tugged Steve’s arm, grinning as Steve’s eyes widened. They had been to Coney Island as kids with their families, and Sarah had given Steve strict orders to never ride the Cyclone. Sarah however, wasn’t here now, and for 2 years the boys had followed her orders while coming here on their own. Maybe it was time to break a few rules. 

“Have you lost your mind?” Steve looked up at the wagons with screaming people rushing past above their heads, and Bucky threw his head back in laughter. 

“Oh come on Stevie. Live a little!” Bucky met Steve’s doubt-filled eyes, raising his eyebrows and smirking, knowing just how to get him to finally cave. “You’re not making me do it on my own are you?” 

Just like Bucky knew he would, Steve had taken the challenge with a groan, following a laughing Bucky to get in line for the hell ride. Bucky knew the little trick had gotten Steve’s mind off home as his eyes warily followed the movements of the line and the carts rushing by above their heads. 

Bucky, however, started to rethink the sanity of his idea as he and Steve got strapped in. He looked tiny next to him, but the look of absolute determination pushed Bucky’s doubts away. The world might have seen Steve as just small and fragile, but Bucky knew he was so much more than that. He was tougher than most kids. Not physically but mentally. If he decided he could do this, Bucky knew he didn’t have anything to worry about. Even if he still did a tiny bit, he would never let Steve know that.  

As soon as the ride got going Steve was cursing Bucky out with every jerk and bump, and it was all he could do not to laugh as the two of them were tossed about and into each other. He laughed even if he felt as if his bones were rattling and teeth almost broke as his mouth was forced shut a few times. Honestly, he was just lucky his tongue didn’t get in the way because then he might have lost it. 

Bucky felt a bit like hammered meat as they got off the rollercoaster, but he was still in good spirit. Steve, however, was pale as a ghost as he waddled off, heading towards the nearest trash can. He, however, missed reaching it by a few feet before he bends over, emptying the content of his stomach onto the pavement. Bucky knew he should feel horrible, but the thing was he knew Steve better than anyone. He knew the levels of his breathing and how sick was sick enough that it was cause for concern. This was not it, so rather than pitying him and rushing him to sit down, Bucky stuck the hands in his pocket and walked up beside him, trying to hold back his laughter as Steve looked up at him, glaring in anger. 

“You might wanna pay attention to where you are aiming pal. I’m not sitting next to you on the train home if your shoes stink of puke,” Bucky snarked as another flood came through Steve’s mouth. 

“I hate you,” he grumbled. “You’re such a jerk!”

“Well you’re a punk,” Bucky laughed, helping Steve into an upright position. “Let’s get you something to drink to get rid of that taste, huh?” 

As soon as Steve had regained some strength and gotten some food and liquid back into his system, he cheered up just like Bucky knew he would. He was proud that he had done what some of the other boys at their age didn’t even dare. He was back to his old self-laughing, talking and getting into trouble with some guys that were cutting line. Guys Bucky naturally ended up having to fight off when Steve got knocked on his ass, but he didn’t even care. Not this time. Not as long as Steve had gotten out of his head and was himself for a few hours. Seeing Steve relax and smile was all that mattered. That had been the entire purpose of their trip after all, even if Steve didn’t know it

##  October 17th, 1936

The past year had been rough. Steve had barely started school before he had dropped out. He had to work so he and his mom could keep the apartment. She still did odd jobs, but the hospital had fired her for being a health hazard. Neither Steve or Sarah would take up the Barnes’ offer to let them move in with them. They knew money wasn’t flowing as easily through Bucky’s home as it had in the past either, but more than that, the Rogers’ was stubborn. They wanted to do things on their own, so even if Steve was sad he had to leave school he still did it. 

Bucky, Rebecca, and Winifred did their best to help them out the best they could. They brought by whatever food they could spare. Winifred and Rebecca helped around the house with various chores, and Bucky brought by school books for Steve to look through. He spent hours going through notes he had taken in class with him during his sleepovers before they fell asleep close together in Steve’s bed. Bucky drifted off listening to Steve’s breathing, worrying about every little irregularity. They were normal for Steve. Bucky knew that, but seeing the decline in Sarah’s health scared him. He didn’t want to lose Steve. He didn’t know what to do without him. Truth was, people thought Steve needed Bucky to look out of him and to fight his battles, but Bucky needed Steve just as much. He reminded him of all the things he could be and always supported him in making the right decisions. So seeing Sarah getting sicker and sicker, knowing how susceptible Steve was, scared the living shit out of Bucky.  

Even George worried about the Rogers’ and drove Sarah and Steve too and from the hospital whenever either of them needed it. Steve and Sarah were grateful for the help even if taking it also slightly embarrassed them. The Barnes’ didn’t take no for an answer. Sadly no matter how much they helped, Sarah kept getting sicker and sicker. Right up until that October day when the Barnes’ all gathered at her house. Bucky was sitting at the foot of her bed with teary eyes as he watched Steve hold his mom’s hand, saying his final goodbyes. 

Bucky quickly dried his eyes as Sarah’s eyes sought him out, meekly raising her hand for him to take it. He got up to sit by her side, opposite of Steve. Sarah smiled weakly, looking at the two boys. 

“I was given one beautiful, perfect son, but along the way, I gained another. Promise me you’ll look out for each other,” she forced out her words, between fits out coughing.

“I promise,” Bucky’s voice was thick with grief as he spoke, but Steve barely managed to get out the words. 

“We will.” 

Sarah heard them, giving the boy’s hands a gentle squeeze before her eyes slowly closed, and she drew her last breath. Bucky wasn’t sure how he gathered the strength to get up and around the bed in time, but he did. He caught Steve before he fell to the floor; crying. 

Bucky stayed on the floor with him, his arms wrapped around his best friend as he let him pour out his grief. Bucky’s heart was breaking, but as much as he loved Sarah, he knew it couldn’t compare. Not only did Bucky still have a mom he loved very much, but Steve and Sarah had been through so much more than most. They had leaned on each other through Joseph’s abuse. Sarah had been at Steve’s side every time he had almost died as a child, and Steve had been at her until her last breath. Bucky couldn’t begin to understand, and still, somehow he did. He did because he knew and loved Steve. He also knew he would die before he broke the promise he had just made Sarah. 

The Barnes’ kept Steve close the next few days until the funeral. Steve decided to follow his mom’s wishes and have his parents buried next to each other. Bucky didn’t understand. He knew Steve put a lot of weight in his mother’s memories of the man she had known before the war, so he let it go. It wasn’t his choice anyway. His only job right now was to make sure Steve made it through okay. 

Steve barely noticed the world around him for a while. He was still the same polite boy Bucky had grown up with, but the light in his eyes was gone. Bucky knew he felt as if he had nothing. He just wished he knew how to make him realize that it couldn’t be further from the truth. Come what may, Steve would always have him, just like Bucky knew he would always have Steve. 

The funeral was tough on everyone. Sarah was a respected and loved woman. A lot more people than Bucky had anticipated showed him. People from the hospital, stores where she shopped, and random strangers she had helped with what little she could. So many people that Steve somehow managed to escape Bucky’s sight. Winifred was as unhappy about that fact as Bucky was. His parents had hoped to drive him to the cemetery and bring him back home with them for at least a few days. Bucky had no objections to sharing his room with Steve. If his parents wouldn’t have offered on their own, Bucky would have asked if he could let Steve stay at their place anyway. 

He still had every intention to when he crossed town, heading towards Steve’s apartment. Everything was still empty and quiet when he got there. Steve wasn’t back yet, and Bucky knew he had probably taken a longer route home to clear his head. He could wait however long it took for him to get there. So instead of going home, Bucky headed to the sidewalk, sat down against the wall and waiting for Steve to get back home. 

Memories of a childhood spent together filled his thoughts. He could no longer remember a time when Steve wasn’t there. All his best and worst memories held his best friend. He was the happiest when he was with Steve, and no matter what, Bucky wasn’t going to let him think he was alone in this.

“Bucky,” Steve greeted, pulling Bucky from his thoughts, and he looked up as Steve passed him heading for his apartment, knowing Bucky would just follow him. He did. Starting a conversation was hard though. Steve hardly ever shared how he felt and Bucky didn’t want to push him. He just wanted him to know he was there for whatever Steve should need. 

“We were looking for you after,” Bucky spoke quietly. “My folks wanted to give you a ride to the cemetery.”

Steve didn’t look at him. He just continued his path up the stairs to the apartment followed closely by Bucky.  

“I know. Sorry… I just… I kinda wanted to be alone,” Steve walked with his head down and hands buried in his pockets. It was the pain in his voice as much as his word that cut Bucky’s heart. He didn’t want him to be alone. He wanted him to know he never would be alone. He didn’t say anything though, and even if the pain was evident on his face for a moment, Steve’s back was turned so he didn’t see. 

“How was it?” Bucky asked instead, not really knowing how to get to the point he wanted to make, but he would get there. He had too. 

“It was okay. She’s next to Dad,” Steve answered even if Bucky already knew. The repeating of facts made Bucky sigh silently, before putting on his brave face. He had never treated Steve as if he was fragile and broken. He wasn’t going to start now either. They would get through this together without changing who they were. 

“I was going to ask,” Bucky tried to sound a little more chipper, wanting to trick Steve into thinking the offer was just going to be another fun thing to do together like when they were younger. 

“I know what you are gonna say, Buck,” Steve interrupted, but Bucky didn’t let him. He just kept talking like he always did when he was trying to convince Steve to do something he was hesitant about. 

“We can put the couch cushions on the floor like when we were kids.” Bucky nudged him, hoping some of what was Bucky’s happiest memories would trick Steve into agreeing. He watched his friend search for his key for a few seconds, but he already knew he wasn’t going to find it. Winifred had locked up, leaving the key was the Rogers’ always left it. 

“It’ll be fun. All you have to do is shine my shoes and maybe take out the trash,” Bucky continued to halfheartedly joke. He still pretended none of this was a big deal as he kicked over the rock where the key was hidden, handing it to Steve. “Come on?” 

“Thank you, Buck,” Steve nodded slowly before looking up at him. “But I can get by on my own.”

His words cut Bucky deeper than anything ever had before. He hated Steve couldn’t see it wasn’t about that. It wasn’t about Bucky thinking he couldn’t do it. He just didn’t want him too. He didn’t want Steve to be alone when he could be with him. 

“The thing is…” Bucky shook his head slightly, trying to find the right words before his voice softened. “You don’t have too.”

Bucky took a step forward. looking into Steve’s pain filled eyes as he laid a hand gently on his shoulder. “I’m with you till the end of the line pal.”

Bucky could see the tears pool in Steve’s eyes as he took a deep breath, nodding. He was agreeing, and Bucky breathed a sigh of relief. He was never going to break that promise either. No matter what the two of them were to face from here on in, they would always have each other.


	4. Us Against the World

##  July 4th 1939

A few years passed, and Steve and Bucky grew from sharing Bucky’s room at his parent's apartment to sharing an apartment of their own. It only had one room. They basically lived on top of each other, but neither of them really cared. They argued, sure. Bucky was messy, according to Steve. In reality, in comparison to most 22-year-olds, Bucky wasn’t all that bad. Steve kept picking fights. Or that’s how Bucky saw it while Steve just saw it as standing up for what was right. 

No matter the argument, the young men knew each better than they knew themselves and moved past it all quickly. They were making their own way. Bucky wasn’t sure what his dad thought about him living on his own with Steve, both working their own way through college night classes because that’s how they wanted it. Some days he thought his dad was proud of him for doing things his own way and not asking for anything. Other days he saw that some flicker of disappointment in his eyes he had seen entire childhood and Bucky doubted that anything he’d ever do would be good enough. 

They were on their own though, aside from the occasional unscheduled visit from his sister, Rebecca, who appeared to miss the boys terribly. Bucky didn’t mind her coming by one bit though. Truth be told, he missed her too. Rebecca and Steve were the two most important people in the world to him, and as long as they and his mother looked at him with some resemblance of pride, that would have to be enough. Or so he told himself. 

Being on his own made it much easier for Bucky to not give his relationship with his father much thought. He got to be who he was, and Steve never looked down at him for anything he did. He rolled his eyes when Bucky spoke of his different conquests, but not in a demeaning way. Bucky wasn’t sure why he kept telling Steve about the women he dated, maybe because part of him hoped for some sort of reaction. 

He was older now, and all the feelings he had excused as normal in his adolescent he knew weren’t. Not all best friends practically cuddled on the couch reading and doing homework at night. Not all best friends’ eyes wandered when the other just got out of the shower and hadn’t had a chance to get dressed yet. Not everyone was in love with their best friend. 

Bucky knew it was wrong. They were both men, and it wasn’t as if Bucky didn’t like women. He did. He enjoyed the times he spent with the different girls over the years. It wasn’t as if he had a habit of checking out guys. Truthfully, it never really crossed his mind with anyone other than Steve. He had no idea if Steve felt the same way, and honestly, it scared him to find out. So he said nothing. They were friends, and Bucky didn’t want to ruin that for anything in the world. Even if he felt the same, a real relationship between them could never happen anyway. No one would ever accept them as more than friends, and Bucky didn’t want a life in hiding. He’d rather keep the feelings to himself. It wasn’t like Steve wasn’t always going to be part of his life anyway. Best man at his wedding when he found the right dame to settle down with. Uncle to his kids, just like Bucky would be to Steve’s. Because there was no way in hell some gal wouldn’t realize just how amazing Steve really was. 

So Bucky kept pushing Steve to go out with him. He kept setting up double dates, but Steve always ended up going home alone, telling Bucky to stay. He hated he did that, but he couldn’t just leave the girls behind. It tore at his heart every time Steve walked off. He hated people couldn't see Steve the way that he always had. Brave, kind and filled with love. Bucky had never cared about how sick Steve was at times. He would always bounce back. It was his poor health that caused him to be smaller than most guys their age, but it shouldn’t matter. Steve had a heart that was bigger than anyone Bucky had ever met. If people, women, just gave him a chance they would learn that too. So Bucky kept trying. 

He also insisted on keeping their yearly tradition of going to Coney Island each spring or summer. This year the trip had been pushed because money had been scarce between the two. Bucky had saved whatever he could, though, and today it was Steve’s birthday. They were going today, no matter how badly Steve had protested they should save the money just in case of an emergency.  

Bucky was the impulsive one for sure when it came to stuff like this. When it was about getting into fights, Steve was the one jumping fist first, defending whatever he believed in. Bucky was the one who needed to save him. That was the way it had always been between the two. The qualities the other possessed annoyed the other endlessly, but it was also a big part of what they admired in each other, so they never really fought about it. 

Steve took a deep breath, sticking his hands into his pockets as they got off the train, looking at the fair before glaring back at Bucky, who was smiling at him. 

“We’re not going on the Cyclone,” Steve insisted, causing Bucky to laugh and wrap his arm around Steve’s shoulder, pulling him towards the fair with him. 

“Yeah, we better not. I don’t think we can afford new shoes for you pal,” Bucky teased, laughing when he let Steve shove him off him with a grin. 

“You’re a jerk,” Steve grumbled without any real anger in his voice, and Bucky smirked back at him. 

“Well you’re a punk so we’re a good fit, don’t you think?” Bucky’s heart skipped a beat when he saw the happy look on Steve’s face as he nodded. 

“Yeah. Perfect.”

The two of them spent the day trying to win at the shooting games, blowing more money than they should on games and junk food. Bucky didn’t leave Steve’s side that day even when a few women tried getting his attention. There was enough of those. Bucky would go out dancing next weekend. Today was Steve’s birthday, and they were going to do all the things Steve liked doing. Chasing skirt wasn’t one of them, and Bucky knew that. Besides, it was a nice to just be the two of them against the world again. Like when they were kids, hiding away from homework, bullies, or Steve’s dad. 

Bucky felt happy and content as he stood next to Steve looking up at the fireworks above their heads. They stood close, arms brushing against each other. Their hands slowly linked, hidden between their bodies. The place was crowded, and no one paid attention to the two young men, but Bucky’s heart was still racing. Not just because of the consequence of someone seeing, but because no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t find an excuse for their actions. They held hands because it felt good. Because they wanted too. 

“Thank you for today Buck,” Steve almost whispered next to Bucky, tearing him from his overactive mind. He couldn’t help but smile when his eyes met Steve’s. He was happy, and that was all that mattered. 

“Anytime pal,” Bucky answered, giving his hand a slight squeeze. “Anytime.”

##  December 7th 1941

Bucky was shaking as he rushed across campus. His engineering class had been cut short because of the news. He was sure Steve’s art class had been, too. Bucky felt as if a storm was not only brewing inside him, but all around him.

He and Steve hadn’t been blind to what had been happening around the world. They both hated it, but it wasn’t America’s fight. That’s how Bucky had rationalized it. Steve hadn’t seen it quite the same way, and truthfully, Bucky had agreed. It was bigger than them or even a country. It was between right and wrong. Bucky knew that. He just never would say that out loud. Agreeing with Steve would have probably meant trying to convince him not to travel to England or France to join the war. This was the exact situation Bucky knew he was going to be in. Only this time he knew his argument wouldn’t stand up to Steve’s. He was going. Innocent people were dying and being tortured all over the world. In the past few months that knowledge had weighed heavier and heavier on Bucky. Not because of anything Steve had said, but he because of who he was. Bucky had always been a guy that stood up for those that couldn’t defend themselves. He had tried to ignore that side of himself for a while now. Not because he was scared exactly. It wasn’t that he enjoyed the idea of being armed, killing people and having them try to kill him, but he believed in the cause. Truthfully, had it not been for Steve he probably would have traveled overseas himself months ago. 

The bombing of Pearl Harbor had been a wake-up call to him. He wanted Steve safe. He didn’t want him to join the war. He was too fragile. More than that, he was too stubborn and didn’t see his own limitations the way that Bucky did. Joining this war would kill him. That was what scared Bucky the most. Not losing his own life but losing Steve. 

The young men’s eyes met across the quad just as Steve made it out of the building, and Bucky rushed towards him. Little moments aside, like the one on Steve’s birthday a few years ago, nothing had changed between them. Neither of them was brave enough to speak up, and Bucky didn’t even know what his feelings meant, so he ignored them for the most part. 

Today they were both so rattled, that neither of them thought about anything but getting to each other. The moment they did, they wrapped their arms around each other in a tight embrace, and Bucky closed his eyes fighting his tears. He couldn’t lose him. Not to anything. 

“You’re enlisting, aren’t you?” Steve asked as they pulled apart, and Bucky swallowed harshly. He nodded, avoiding eye contact with Steve, knowing what was coming. 

“So am I,” Steve spoke before Bucky had a chance too. “You can’t talk me out of it.”

“Steve…” Tears pooled in Bucky’s eyes when his finally met Steve’s. He knew Steve was speaking the truth. He recognized that damn stubborn expression on his face. He knew no matter what he said, Steve was having it his way on this. The only thing to prevent him from going was if Bucky tied him up in their apartment, and he wasn’t prepared to go that far. No matter how stupid of a choice it was, Bucky knew that Steve had the right to make it. 

“Help me train? Help me get ready?” Steve pleaded, not letting Bucky break eye contact with him, and Bucky felt a tear stream down his cheek. He didn’t care he was in public or if anyone saw. He just kept looking into Steve’s eyes, fearing the end of the line would come a lot faster than either of them had ever wanted or foreseen. 

“Sure pal…”


	5. Times Are Changing

 

##  December 24th, 1941

Steve was quiet as Bucky when they walked out of the enlistment office side by side. Bucky wasn’t sure what to say to him. He knew Steve wasn’t just angry. He was upset. He felt as if he wasn’t good enough, because of something beyond his control. The same way he had felt his entire life, but Bucky had somehow managed to lessen that feeling just by being his friend. He knew that, but right now Bucky didn’t know what to say or do. 

He was relieved as hell they had rejected Steve. He knew they most likely would, but his fear that they might take him had overridden the logic. Which also meant he wasn’t completely prepared to deal with either of their mental states at the moment. 

“Steve…” Bucky began, but the man next to him just shook his head. He didn’t want to talk about it. As big as Steve’s heart was, he had always been shit at talking about his own emotions. Bucky knew that, and he wasn’t going to push him on the matter. Not right now at least. 

“Have you told your parents?” Steve changed the subject, and Bucky sighed. 

“Yeah… I told them last night. I’m gonna tell them it’s final tomorrow morning when we go over there,” Bucky answered, emphasizing the 'we'. He was leaving no room for argument on that one. There was no way he was leaving Steve alone on Christmas morning, no matter if he felt like going or not. Steve must have sensed that because he didn’t argue. He just carried on with the conversation. Bucky knew it was most likely to distract his own mind, so he went with it. 

“George must have been proud?” Steve asked, but regret flashed across his eyes when he looked over at Bucky. 

“If he was he didn’t show it. He’s probably holding out for some rank or something,” Bucky muttered. “Mom and Becca were freaking out though. I think they knew there was a chance I would be drafted, but I don’t think they expected…” 

“They’ll be fine.” Steve reached out, giving Bucky’s arm a small squeeze, and his mind instantly calmed. Steve’s touch had that effect on him. Everything bad got pushed aside, and there was just the two of them. “I’ll look in on them if you want me too.”

Bucky smiled, wrapping his arm around Steve’s shoulders. He was amazed at how his friend always managed to find some way to do good even when he was at his lowest. 

“I’d love that, Stevie. Thanks,” Bucky tugged him closer against his side as they crossed the street heading back to their place to celebrate Christmas Eve together. Maybe for the last time, depending on the state of the world next year.

Bucky was scared. He knew he was doing the right thing and he didn’t for a second regret his decision. He was doing what had to be done. People were murdered for nothing more than how they looked and what they believed in. As much as Bucky wanted to stay with Steve and his family, this was something he needed to do. He couldn’t look himself in the eyes if he didn’t, so he pushed his fear down and focused on tonight and Steve.  

##  June 14th, 1943

Bucky had headed straight for his and Steve’s apartment when he got off on leave. It was his last night in the States, and he wanted to spend it with his best friend. 

Training had taken up a lot of his time. He thrived in the army. He was pretty damn good with a rifle, and he knew how to handle himself in a fight. He knew what was expected of him, and he lived up to it and more, which is how had managed to reach the rank of sergeant in less than two years. When he had told his dad, he had seen something that resembled pride for the first time in years. That had angered Bucky though, and he had promised himself right then and there that when he had kids one day he would never make them feel as if they weren’t good enough. He would never make them feel as if they needed to risk their lives for their sacrifice to matter. 

Which was part of the reason he was here. He would go tell his mom and sister goodbye before he left in the morning, but tonight he needed to be with Steve. It was his last night home, and there was no one else he’d rather spend it with. 

Steve wasn’t home. Bucky knew his shift had ended a few hours ago, so there was only one place he could be. A movie theatre down the street where Steve had started spending more and more time. Bucky wasn’t around much anymore, and Steve needed something that could distract him from the numerous times he had tried to enlist under different names and area codes. 

Bucky had been furious with him the first time he had tried tricking the system. He hated that Steve thought he had to do this and that he wasn’t good enough the way that he was. Bucky just wanted Steve to be Steve. He didn’t need him to go off and get himself killed or get locked up for trying. Bucky wanted Steve to think of himself first for once and not to get in a fight standing up for some asshole or dame that was just going to laugh at him anyway. Steve always saw the good in other people whereas Bucky tended to see the world the way it really was. There was always going to be another asshole and another fight. It didn’t mean that Bucky wouldn’t stand up for what was right every time, but it did mean that he thought Steve shouldn’t. When it meant fighting guys twice Steve’s size Bucky could deal with it. He didn’t like it, but Bucky had come to terms with the fact there was no stopping him. Asthmatic and sickly Steve in the smoky rough trenches of a war zone was another matter. His fears weren’t about Steve not being good enough, they were simply about Bucky wanting him to be safe. 

Off course, Steve was Steve, and he was never going to be completely safe. Bucky sighed with the realization as he heard the sounds of a fight coming from the back alley. If Steve was here and there was a fight going on, that was were Bucky would find him. He just hoped he would find him before a trip to the hospital would be needed this time.

Bucky knew that Steve was a lot tougher than he looked, still, his heartbeat picked up as he saw the guy land a punch, knocking Steve to the ground. He rushed towards the guy who was undoubtedly going to kick the much smaller Steve while he was laying on the ground. 

“Hey! Pick on someone your own size.” 

Bucky grabbed a hold of his arm, dragging him backward, effectively placing himself between Steve and his bully like so many times before. Being Steve’s shield had become second nature to him. Bucky easily ducked out of the way when the guy was dumb enough to take a swing at him. He threw a punch he knew was going to make the guy feel his jaw rattle for a few hours, effectively getting his point across. Still, he couldn’t keep himself from placing a solid kick to the guy's ass as he scurried off. Bucky might not know what had happened to get Steve to pick a fight with him, but he knew without a doubt he deserved the kick and so much more. 

Bucky turned back to Steve when the guy disappeared out into the street. He was relieved to see him standing, but he also knew Steve didn’t need pity right now. 

“Sometimes I think you like getting punched,” Bucky snarked, before noticing the paper lying between them. 

“I had him on the ropes,” Steve replied, wiping the blood from his face, standing up straight, nursing his head. 

“How many times is this?” Bucky sighed. Part of him wanted to kick Steve’s ass for keeping this up. He knew it wouldn’t do any good, so he kept up the show, messing with him for it. 

“Oh, so you are from Params now? You know it’s illegal to lie on the enlisting forms, right?” Bucky tried to throw in a little sense before keeping up his show, “and seriously? Jersey?”

Steve had been too busy trying to shake off the hits he had taken to look straight at Bucky until that moment. A rush of emotions flashed across Steve’s face when he saw the uniform, and Bucky’s heart broke. He had been so busy worrying about Steve he hadn’t thought that Steve might feel the same about him. Bucky had gotten in his fair share of fights in the past, but usually because Steve picked them, and he most certainly hadn’t run willingly into a gunfight before. 

“Did you get your orders?” The concern in Steve’s voice was evident, even if he would never say anything. Bucky knew Steve wished they were doing this together, but more than that, it was war. Bucky was going to war, and Steve was scared to lose his best friend. 

Bucky took a deep breath. Fear, pride, and regret mixed together in his mind as he stood up a little straighter, introducing himself for the first time since he had gotten his orders. 

“The 107th. Sergeant James Barnes. Shipping out for England first thing tomorrow.” Bucky watched Steve nod slowly, coming to terms with the fact they might go a very long time before seeing each other again. 

“I should be going,” Steve looked up at Bucky as if he was feeling ashamed he wasn’t shipping out with Bucky. Like he was somehow failing him, but nothing could be further from the truth. Bucky didn’t know what to do, so he smiled, wrapping his arm around Steve’s shoulders, pulling him close against his side. 

“Come on, man,” he tried to sound chipper as he led him out of the alley. “It’s my last night.” 

Bucky wrinkled his nose as he detected the stench of garbage coming from Steve, and he let go of him with a slight roll of the eyes. Off course of all the places he’d pick a fight it’d be somewhere he’d end up in a garbage can. 

“We’ve got to get you cleaned up,” Bucky decided. Steve sulked but followed Bucky out of the alley. 

“Why? Where’re we going?” Steve asked, causing Bucky to smile a little, handing him the paper he had picked up as he was getting off the train before coming to see Steve.

“To the future,” he answered, smirking at Steve when he shook his head at him. Bucky loved stuff like this, and it was a dream of his to get a job working for Stark when he got back home. Steve knew this, and even if he didn’t share his excitement for technology, he wasn’t going to argue with Bucky on this. It was his last night after all. 

Bucky wasn’t entirely sure why he had gotten the idea to bring the women along. One of them, Connie, was a girl he had been seeing while he was on leave. All the time he had off he had been split between her, Steve, and his family. Tonight, she was bringing a friend and Bucky was hoping she would take a liking to Steve. It was his last Hail Mary to find someone that Steve could care about and that would care enough about Steve to make him see he didn’t need the war. He was important just being where he was, being who he was. 

It was a little more than that though. Even if Bucky would never admit it to anyone, receiving the orders scared him. It was happening. He was actually going to war, and just for tonight, he hoped to forget that fact for a little while. He needed to forget, in a way, Steve couldn’t help him. Even if a part of Bucky wanted nothing more than to let him. It was a line neither of them had come close to crossing, and as much as Bucky wanted too, he doubted they ever would. So he brought the girls along. Though he hadn’t told Steve that until the two of them arrived at the expo.

Steve had been moping for the past couple of hours before getting to the expo. Bucky had been doing his best to cheer him up, talking about Stark Industries and what he hoped they were going to see. He knew it wasn’t Steve’s biggest interest but usually, Bucky’s enthusiasm was infectious. Not tonight though.

Bucky stuffed his hands into his pockets as they walked up to the Stark Expo, talking to Steve about all the reasons he should be happy he was staying home.

“You’re about to become the last eligible man in New York,” he reasoned. “You know there's three and a half million women here.”

“Hell, I’d settle for just one.” 

Bucky could hear the slight smile in his friend's voice as he spotted the women at the entrance. He put on a big smile, waving at them as he answered Steve.

“Good thing I took care of that,” he answered, feeling Steve’s eyes glare holes in the side of his face, but he didn’t look over. He knew Steve hated when he set him up, but more than that he was afraid to look over and see the disappointment on his best friend’s face that it wasn’t just going to be the two of them tonight. 

“Hi, Bucky,” one of the women answered seconds before Steve practically groaned at him. 

“What did you tell them about me?” Steve asked, and Bucky knew it was safe to look over, only to see the slight annoyance remaining on his face.

“Only the good stuff,” Bucky teased before they reached the women. Bucky quickly introduced them to Steve as Connie and Bonnie and Bucky took Connie’s hand. She had been in a few of his classes before he enlisted. He knew she would love this place, and he also knew she was an amazing girl. She could be a temporary distraction though he wouldn’t mind writing her if she allowed him to be his distraction while he was gone. Maybe he could even see her when the war was over. Someone he could come home to and start a life with. He sent Steve a wink before heading inside with her, hoping he and the blonde would hit it off. Someday some woman was bound to see what Bucky saw, and he hoped it would be tonight, even if part of him just wished the world was different. 

He grinned as the excitement filled Connie’s face as the voices sounded from the stage, and he let her practically drag him after her towards the stage. He loved that about her. He loved how easily excited she got about things and how she always wanted him to involve him in it.  

He hoped that even if this wasn’t normally Steve’s sort of thing he would still have fun or at least hang in there until it was time to go dancing. Maybe today was the day Steve would join in the fun instead of sitting in the corner watching the world around him. Bucky wished he would loosen up a little, even if just for one night. Even if it were for no other reason than his own peace of mind that Steve would be alright without him. 

Bucky’s face broke into a huge smile as he saw the stage. Howard Stark was a genius. Getting to go to an expo like this was like a dream come true. Another dream Bucky one day hoped would come true was working behind the scenes of it. He loved science and progress. It amazing him what people much brighter than himself were able to come up with. 

He had said that to Steve once and gotten chewed out for it. As the thought of that night entered his mind, his smile grew even brighter. In Steve’s mind, there was nothing Bucky couldn’t do and talking himself down was just not acceptable around his best friend. Bucky had been annoying about it in the moment, but he still loved Steve for his reaction. It helped him see himself in a different way than he usually did. Making Steve proud had somewhere along the way become more important to him than earning his own father’s approval.

However, as Stark started talking about flying automobiles, Bucky’s full attention went to the stage. He felt like a kid on Christmas Eve waiting for the sun to rise as Stark kept talking. He almost forgot to breathe when the car lifted off the stage hovering off the ground for a minute before crashing back down.

“I did say in a few years, didn’t I?” Stark joked, and Bucky huffed a laugh, looking back at Steve, wanting to share this moment with him on instinct. For a moment, he managed to forget that he would be far away from New York by this time tomorrow. He managed to forget his worries and fears right up until he looked back not long after as the show came to an end. 

“Steve, what do you say we treat these girls to…” He stopped when Steve was nowhere to be found, and his heart clenched. He might have brought the girls along, but he wanted Steve with him tonight. He looked around to see the enlistment office across the show area. He knew on instinct it was where he was going to find Steve, so he excused himself from the girls with the promise to go dancing soon and went looking for his friend. 

Bucky sighed in relief when he saw Steve standing outside the office still. He couldn’t help but smile a little when he saw him standing on the short platform that allowed visitors to see themselves in a uniform. He actually would love to to see Steve in one of those. He just rather not see him running guns blazing into a war, giving his reckless courage a chance to get him killed. 

“Come on,” Bucky gave Steve a playful push on the shoulder to gain his attention. “You’re kinda missing the point of a double date. I told the girls we’re taking them dancing.” Bucky talked fast, hoping his stream of words would somehow talk Steve out of what he already knew he was going to do. At the very least for tonight. Bucky wasn’t sure he was quite ready to say goodbye to Steve yet. Not when he still could get a few hours with him before he had no choice but to leave him behind. 

“You go ahead. I’ll catch up with you,” Steve obviously lied, it made Bucky hurt. Steve had never been a good liar, but he had also never lied so blatantly to Bucky before. He hated it. He hated it so much, the anger slipped into his voice when he spoke. 

“You’re really gonna do this again,” Bucky glared at Steve, who didn’t budge.

“Well, it’s a fair. I’m gonna try my luck,” he answered, not really looking at Bucky. He knew Steve didn’t want a fight, and honestly neither did he. His anger and fear just got the best of him. So he snapped. 

“As who? Steve from Ohio? They’ll catch you. Or worse, they’ll actually take you,” Bucky knew those words were going to hurt Steve. He had never hidden how bad of an idea he thought it was for Steve to try and enlist, but he had also never put it nearly as blunt before. 

Steve tried to hide how hurt he was, not looking up at Bucky as he tried to explain himself. “Look, I know you don’t think I can do this…”

“This isn’t a back alley, Steve. It’s a war,” Bucky interrupted. He wasn’t trying to hurt Steve. Hell, he never wanted to do that, but he’d rather his words hurt him than a bullet in a foreign European country took Steve’s life.  

“I know it’s war.” Steve sounded calmer than ever while Bucky was starting to raise his voice a little, desperate for Steve to see all that Bucky wanted, all he had ever wanted, was to keep Steve safe. 

“Why are you so keen to fight? There are so many important jobs,” Bucky hissed at him. Safe jobs were what he wanted to say. Jobs that wouldn’t get Steve killed and would ensure he was there for Bucky to come home too when this damn war was won. 

“What do you want me to do? Collect scrap metal in my little red wagon?” Steve gave back, the annoyance starting to become clearer in his voice.

“Yes! Why not?” Bucky answered, knowing how ridiculous he sounded to someone like Steve. Being someone who always did the right thing and stood up to bullies. This was who Steve had always been and Bucky knew it. The thought of losing him just scared him. This wasn’t a guy trying to steal his lunch money. This was thousands of guys with guns, happy to kill the little guy that couldn’t defend himself just because he wore the wrong colors.  

“I’m not gonna sit in a factory,” Steve objected, much to Bucky’s growing frustration.

“I don’t…” Bucky started but stopped when Steve raised his voice. He rarely did, so Bucky knew the battle was lost. Hell, he knew that before he started, but fear hadn’t let him admit that until now. 

“Bucky. Bucky come on! There are men laying down their lives. I’ve got no right to do any less than them. That’s what you don’t understand. This isn’t about me.” Steve was good at giving speeches like that. He was good at making people listen and see his side of things, but Bucky knew this wasn’t all it was about. He knew and understood Steve a lot better than his friend gave him credit for. 

“Right,” Bucky answered glaring at him. “‘Cause you got nothing to prove.” The tension was thick between the two men, and Bucky fought the urge to shake Steve and tell him all he wanted was for him to stay safe. All he wanted was for both of them to have lives to live when this war was over. He didn’t though, and the tension was broken by Connie yelling at him from across the road.

“Hi, Sarge! Are we going dancing?” she called, and Bucky turned around putting on his happy face. 

“Yes, we are.” He held out his hands to the side, giving her a slight smile before returning his attention to Steve. The stubborn look on his best friend’s face made him see he had lost this one. He just hoped the enlistment officers wouldn’t ever get desperate enough to actually take him. 

Bucky sighed, shaking his head, not looking directly at Steve anymore. It hurt too much to say goodbye like this. He shouldn’t have fought him. Their last words shouldn’t have been spoken in anger. 

“Don’t do anything stupid until I get back,” Bucky tried to lighten his tone as he backed up, but gave Steve a look to tell him he was serious. He wanted Steve to know that no matter what was said between him, he would always love him, and he would always have his back. 

“How can I?” The playfulness in Steve’s voice made Bucky stop from turning around. “You’re taking all the stupid with you.”

Bucky held back his emotions. Not sure if it was tears or laughter, but he stalked back towards Steve.

“You’re a punk,” he said fondly, the same relief he saw on Steve’s face mirrored on his own as he hugged him, smiling at Steve’s response.

Even if it were for no other reason than his own peace of mind that Steve would be alright without him. 

“Jerk.”

Bucky couldn’t hold Steve like he wanted too. They were standing in the middle of the street, but at the very least he got to say goodbye properly even if the night was too short lived for his liking. He hated having to say goodbye at all, but he was happy Steve wasn’t coming with him.

“Careful,” Steve said giving Bucky’s hand a small squeeze before he could back away. All Bucky could do was smile. If he spoke now he was sure his voice was going to fail him. Which was also why the only response he had to Steve calling out after him, “don’t win the war till I get there,” was a salute. 

Bucky turned around, blinking hard to chase the tears away and forced a smile on his face before he reached the girls, wrapping his arm around Connie’s waist as he did. 

“Come on, girls. They are playing our song,” he playfully flirted, while every fiber of his being was screaming at him to go back to Steve and convince him to come back home with him, to convince him that one more secret between them might not be so bad, but he didn’t. He danced with the girls, and he went home with Connie. She helped him forget, and when the morning sun rose, he kissed her goodbye with the promise he was going to write her. 


	6. Letters

##  July 4th, 1943

Bucky had been stationed in London for a few weeks now. The first thing he had done was to write Steve and let him now he had arrived safely. He had jokingly talked about some of the other soldiers being seasick half of the way, adding how he thought Steve would have had he been on the boat with Bucky. 

He had written Connie too and received a letter back from her but nothing from Steve yet. Bucky knew that shouldn’t make him worry. It had only been a few weeks and he was far away from home. V-mail was expensive or maybe Steve had just been busy working. Still, he couldn’t help but imagine all the other scenarios that could have unfolded. 

Steve was Steve and without Bucky there to stop the bullies he was standing up to from beating the little guy half to death, Steve could have landed himself in hospital. Steve had been in and out of hospitals most of his life and not just from the beatings he had received. His health sometimes took a downturn quickly and Bucky worried that might have happened too. The worst thing he could image though had been the warning he had left Steve with. He worried that the MPs had caught him and he was in jail or some doctor had thought it would be amusing to let the little guy learn his lesson by letting him sign up. 

Bucky knew the last part was unlikely, but still, he worried. He always had to an extent and being so far away from his best friend only enhanced it all. Today, however, his mind was elsewhere. His unit had gotten their orders. They were sailing out first thing tomorrow. He had already written and sealed his letter to Connie, letting her know they might be further apart now and that the real war was starting for him. He took a deep breath before putting the pen to paper, writing Steve to let him know the same. 

_ Dear Steve _

_ I am spending my last night in London tonight. I took a walk down by the Thames and I really wish you could see this place. You’d love it. The buildings that aren’t in ruins are beautiful. Even the ruins are I suppose. I think you’d have loved drawing some of these places, even though you always try to hide them from me. I never understood why you’d never let me see them? You know I'd Just look after you fell asleep right?  _

_ Maybe that confession wasn’t the smartest but you’ll forget by the time I get back home. Home. Even with the beauty of this place I miss Brooklyn and our apartment.  _

_ It’s your birthday today. Did you go to Coney Island without me, punk? I hope you did. I hope you are well. I know you’ll be grumpy hearing this but I worry about you. I wish I knew you were safe before shipping out tomorrow. I know you want to prove yourself and help make the world a safer place, but, Steve, there are more ways to do that than going to war. Please stay safe until I get back home.  _

_ Bucky.  _

##  August 22nd,1943

For the first time, in his life Bucky started to understand how both George but especially Joseph had returned from war changed men. The invasion of Sicily had been a bloody one. Bucky had made it through every battle unscathed if you didn’t count the ringing ears he had suffered after a grenade went off a few feet from him. The blast had sent him flying and he had been sure he had gone deaf when he came too, but he wasn’t hurt. Some would call it a miracle, but not Bucky. He couldn’t understand how he could walk away when his friend died in his arms as Bucky desperately tried to put enough pressure on his wounds so his guts wouldn’t spill out and his friend wouldn’t bleed to death. 

It had been the first loss Bucky had experienced but war is both cruel and merciful in that he never the time to process it. He was never allowed the time to really fear for his own life, as he tried his best to keep his men and friends alive. 

Bucky was the company's best sniper. One of America’s best, even if he never thought of himself as such. This did, however, mean he wasn't always in the midst of the battle. It was his job to get to high ground and watch the other’s back. It was what he had done for Steve most of his life and it was a task Bucky was good at even if he sometimes wished he could do more.

It had been a bloody few days and all Bucky had been able to bear to write was his diary. He knew that he would let Steve read it one day, when he was home and safe from the thunder of the gunshots and the never-ending fear of a HYDRA ambush. He found himself thinking less and less of Connie. The dream and hope of a normal life when he got back was floating further and further away. He had still dutifully written her a letter before moving on to the one he really wanted to write. 

Steve was the one that knew him and the one that Bucky selfishly wished was at his side to keep him sane. A bigger part of him was happy that he wasn’t though. Steve was home safe and he was going to be there when he made it back home. Bucky knew he would never turn into someone he wasn’t because Steve wouldn’t allow it. He would be there to remind him of the person he had always been and Bucky found a sense of peace in that. 

_ Dear Steve _

_ I wish I had heard from you. It doesn’t seem as if a lot of letters had been coming through, but I am hoping it’s about to change now. Sicily is now free. For now. I’m sure HYDRA has other plans but we’re going to take the victory.  _

_ I don’t even know how to begin to explain what it’s like over here. Sometimes I just wanna go home and pretend all of this isn’t real. Stop scowling at me. I know you wouldn’t approve. It’s your faith in the person you see me as that keeps me going.  _

_ I met a woman and her two little kids yesterday. She fed us and thanked us. Moments like those makes it all worth it.  _

_ I don’t want to worry you, Stevie. I’m doing just fine. It’s just the rush of a battle I guess. Tell you what… be glad you are not here because your asthmatic ass would have fallen over dead just by breathing in the thick ass of gunfire. Hell, I can barely breathe at times.  _

_ I know you wish you were here with me, Steve, and truth be told I wish that too sometimes, but it’s better this way. I’ll be home soon. HYDRA and Nazis aren’t as scary as they want the world to believe.  _

_ I miss you, punk. Please let me hear from you soon.  _

_ Bucky.   _

##  September 25th, 1943

Bucky hadn’t expected the waiting game to be even worse than the actual war when he left home. The 107th job for the past few weeks had been to hold Sicily. There had been a few skirmishes and a few attacks to push back but nothing major and nothing that caused the casualties like the first month

It gave Bucky time to think. Too much time maybe. He didn’t just think of the near misses that could have gotten him killed and the people that he had lost. He thought about how he wanted life to be after the war. His mind began to wander to what couldn’t be. He selfishly started to hope that maybe Steve would never find the courage he needed to talk to women or maybe the women he did talk to would just be too stupid to see past the small guy in front of them. Maybe no one would ever see what Bucky saw. He hated himself for thinking like that. He wanted Steve to be happy, a small part of Bucky just hoped he would be happy with him. 

The truth was that almost dying more than once and seeing people die in front of him had sparked something in Bucky he had tried hard to push down all of his life. Fearing for his life almost daily made him want to not live a half-truth anymore. He knew how he was wrong but he loved Steve. When his mind left the battlefields and the horrors around him they didn’t go to Connie even if she was an amazing girl. Bucky cared for her and he knew he could probably build a life with her and be satisfied. 

She just wasn’t Steve. He would never love anyone the way he loved him. The little punk that always pushed him to be better. The one person that had seen him at his best and his worst and never looked at him differently for any of it. Bucky’s escape was with Steve which was why he had written Connie the night before the 107th was shipping off to the mainland and new wars. He knew he couldn’t lead her on. Bucky carefully phrased his letter, telling her he was no longer the same which to an extent was true. He never told her about Steve or how he was feeling. He just gently let her know he could no longer continue writing her and that he wished her the best of luck in her future. 

He completely lost his courage though when it came to writing his best friend. A friend he hadn’t heard from in months. He was afraid he was already too late telling Steve how he felt and still he couldn’t bring himself to really do it. Not in a letter.

He kept writing him though. Telling him about the places he saw and that he wished Steve could see. He told him of the friends he made. He added the poor conditions to try and discourage Steve from signing up over and over. There was no way he would survive over here and Bucky didn’t want him to try. 

He wasn’t sure his letters was reaching Steve but he had to keep trying. He knew from the letters Rebecca had sent him that Steve hadn’t been visiting the Barnes and he hadn’t opened the door the few times she had gone to check on him. It had Bucky worried and he almost considered leaving the army a few times to go searching for his friend. His sense of duty was too strong in the end and he knew Steve wouldn’t want him to abandon his post no matter what was going on. Instead, he kept writing and hoping that Steve was somewhere safe and not behind bars in a military prison somewhere. 

_ Dear Steve _

_ It’s been relatively quiet here. I was hoping to have heard from you by now. Becca wrote telling me she hasn’t seen you in a while. She is doing well by the way. Apparently, I’m not the only one she has been writing. Remember Wilson? The kid in her class? He shipped out to England last month and he asked Becca if he could write to her. We might have to pay him a visit when we are all back home. He’s a good kid though. I’m happy for her, I just wish she didn’t have to go through all of this twice.  _

_ Sometimes I wonder if signing up was the right call. Don’t get me wrong, we’re needed over here, but if you are sick somewhere… I hate for Becca to go through all of this on her own too. I should be making sure the two of you are safe. Not running around trying to save the world.  _

_ I know what you would say. I can hear you in my head every damn day and you’re right. This is for you and her. It’s for mom and dad. It’s for everyone here that needs our help. We grew up fighting bullies. There’s just a hell of a lot more of them over here but we’re going to win. Good always does, right?  _

_ Please if you get this letter, drop in on Becca and let her know you are safe. The kid almost worries about you as much as I do. And I worry about her too. It would mean a lot to me to know you were there for each other when I can’t be.  _

_ We’re sailing to the mainland tomorrow so it might be awhile before I get any letters you might send. I’ll be looking forward to hearing from you though. I miss you.  _

_ Bucky.  _


	7. Behind Enemy Lines

##  October 2nd, 1943 

The bullets and bombs made it hard to hear and the smoke hard to see. Bucky sprinted ahead of his group, leading them to cover. As soon as he was in the trench he looked around him, breathing a sigh of relief to see they were still there. Alive. 

The men seemed to respect that Bucky insisted they never called him by his title unless a ranking officer was around. To them, he was Bucky and he listened to them before making any decisions. He was aware it was all their lives on the line out here and he respected them enough to have a say when there was time. In return, they trusted him to lead when there wasn’t.

Bucky had lost enough men already, and these men had become like brothers to him. He was done losing people, but he knew that might not be within his control. He was still going to try his hardest to prevent it. 

He knew the b-company were still in trouble. They couldn’t retreat further, not until they had laid cover for the rest of the men. 

He gave the order which was followed without hesitation. Bucky was young but he was still in charge, which none of the men questioned. He had proved his worth more than once and they knew he had their back come what may. At the end that was really all that mattered. 

When the first flare of blue flew across the field taking out the German soldiers marching towards them Bucky sucked in a breath. He had never seen anything like it. Not even in school or at the Stark expos he always made sure to visit. It was a weapon unlike anything he had ever seen before and the same went for Dugan and Jones, by the looks on their faces. Bucky took a deep breath as the fire around the started to die out and he slowly emerged from the trenches, closely followed by his men.

“That looks new,” Dugan stated as the massive tank appeared over the hill. Bucky froze in place. He had seen drawings in the Major’s tent when he was being stationed in Sicily. He had even managed to sneak some of the papers into his pocket for a closer read. He knew these machines were what was going to determine the outcome of the war, but he also knew from the schematics on the papers this tank was nothing like the drawings he had seen. None of them were shooting blue fire like this one either. Whatever this was, it sure as hell wasn’t something he had seen before. 

Bucky squinted trying to see clearly through the smoke and dust. What he did see made his blood run cold in his veins. Bucky didn’t have any personal experience with HYDRA, but he had been stationed in Italy for weeks with nothing to do but nose around the commanding officer’s tents. He had seen both what they were capable off and their crest so when he saw the skull with the six snake-like arms beneath it, there was no doubt in Bucky’s mind. It was HYDRA. Bucky turned to his men in time with the barrel was being aimed at them. 

“Down!” he screamed pulling the two closest with him as he jumped, and the thunder rang behind him before everything faded to black. 

##  October 24th, 1943 

Bucky hated being a prisoner of HYDRA. Not only the obvious reasons but also because of what they had him and the other soldiers doing. They were being forced to work on weapons which intend was to kill their other brothers in arms. Being held captive was one thing but the participation in other good men’s death weighed on Bucky. His instincts to protect those that couldn’t protect who couldn’t protect themselves but it was more than that. Seeing the pale, skinny fragile looking men coughing their way through the inhumane work reminded him of Steve. Picturing him there with him, made everything worse. It made Bucky resent the guards even more. 

He tried to occupy his mind by making sure his men were as well taken care of as possible. He shared his food with the weakest, which wordlessly encouraged other of the stronger ones to do the same. His experience with Steve’s breathing problems helped him take care of some of the other soldiers when the smoke and steam became too much. Bucky did what he could before forcefully being pulled away by the soldiers watching over the prisoners.

Bucky kicked and screamed, stupidly fighting back in anger which time and time again resulted in a beating before Dum Dum or Jones stepped between him and the guards. Bucky didn’t like them doing that because it often resulted in them taking a few hits themselves, but he also knew from experience with Steve that he couldn’t stop them. 

In the quiet moments, Bucky tried to overhear the guards speaking. He paid attention to the machinery he was forced to work on, committing every small piece of information that he could to memory. Bucky was determined to get out of there. If he was going to die, it was going to be trying to escape and not being inside these walls. He wasn’t going to die though. He couldn’t. He promised Steve he would come back home and that was a promise he intended to keep. 

It was a promise that had gotten harder and harder to keep every day. Especially watching people get dragged away almost daily. A little odd looking man with glasses appeared with a few guards and one of the prisoners were taking away, never to return. Today, Bucky had finally had enough and when a guard tried to grab Jim Morita, one of the men Bucky had been working side by side with these past few months, Bucky made a move. Without thinking and without hesitation he ran forward, the full weight of his body colliding with the guard who was sent screaming into the hot steam of one of the machines. 

A fight between the guards and prisoners broke out. It was a fight Bucky knew they were going to lose from the start, but that didn’t stop him or the others from making sure they got in a few good punches before they were surrounded and Bucky, as the leader, was forced to his knees. He was fuming and still struggling to get loose as one of the guards held a gun before his head. Bucky looked up, refusing to look away or close his eye, even if he was terrified. 

He thought about Steve and the promise he was going to break. He thought about all the things he would never get to say to him. He was scared. He didn’t want to break his promise to Steve or die without telling him how he felt. That didn’t stop Bucky from being as defiant and stubborn as ever. If the bastard was going to pull the trigger Bucky was going to make damn sure he looked into his eyes while doing so. 

“Stop!”

Bucky didn’t look away. Not until the revolver was lowered and the guard took a step back. The guard behind him, however, took a step closer to ensure Bucky stayed on his knees as the little strange man with glasses stepped up in from of Bucky. 

“Who are you?” the man ordered, making Bucky feel like he was an animal in a zoo by the way he was being studied. Bucky didn’t answer right away. He just stared defiantly back at the man. A sharp pain shot through the back of Bucky’s head and he fell forward, breaking his fall with his hands.

“Answer!” The guard behind him yelled and Bucky gritted his teeth in anger as he pushed himself back to sit on his knees. 

“Sergeant Barnes, James Buchanan. 32557038,” Bucky spoke clearly with the same defiant look in his eyes as before. He wasn’t going to break. Whatever he might know that could or couldn’t be of use to them was something he was taking to his grave if he had too. 

“He’s a strong one. Take him instead,” the doctor, smile a smile so sinister it make Bucky’s blood run cold. He got up though, stubbornly pushing the guard's hand off him. He could walk. His eyes met with Dugan’s as he passed him and he gave the man a small nod which he returned. The responsibilities of keeping the rest of the soldiers as healthy as possible were silently passed on between the two men. Bucky walked out of the room towards what he feared would be a torture chamber masking as an interrogation room.

What he hadn’t expected but scared him even more than what he had conjured up in his mind was the lab like room with a table standing in the middle. For the first time, Bucky let panic take a hold of him and he turned around, struggling to get out of the room and as far away as possible from the room and Dr. Frankenstein, who was only laughing at him when he was stopped and dragged towards the table. 

“So you do feel fear, Sergeant Barnes. That’s good to know,” the man spoke towering over Bucky as he was being forcefully strapped to the table. 

“Sergeant Barnes, James Bu….” Bucky started only to be interrupted by the man waving a hand at him. 

“Yes, yes. You’re a good, honorable soldier. You won’t speak. We won’t need you to, Sergeant,” the man explained as he turned towards the table to work on something Bucky couldn’t tell what. His mind was running wild. If this wasn’t about getting him to reveal information about the allies what in the hell was it about? 

“Your only job, Sergeant, is to stay alive,” the man grinned down at him and the cold uneasy feeling settled inside Bucky’s chest once more, but before he had a chance to think too much of the words, a needle was jammed into his neck. Within seconds, Bucky felt as if his body was being torn apart from the inside as a pain worse than anything he had ever felt before in his life blinded him. He couldn’t think or even recognize the scream sounding through the room he could only assume to be his own before everything went pitch black.

##  November 2nd, 1943

Bucky had lost track of time. For days this had been his life. He was being dragged from his cell and strapped to the table he was once again lying on multiple times a day. His few spare some minutes he spent in his cell he swallowed the bread and water they had left him, before curling up in a ball trying to will away the pain, that threatened to tear his body apart away long enough to fall asleep. It felt like minutes before he was screamed at in German and dragged to his feet back towards the room he had come to fear more than anything. 

Bucky was stubborn though. He never answered a single question. He repeated his rank, name, and serial number over and over every waking moment. Sometimes Bucky wasn’t sure if it was to show them he wouldn’t break or if it was to remind himself who he was. 

He was James Buchanan Barnes. He was the son of George and Winifred Barnes. Brother of Rebecca Barnes. Best friend to Steven Grant Rogers. He grew up in Brooklyn. He had promised his family he was coming home. He had promised Steve. He was going to see them again. Bucky thought of all the faces of the people he loved as another needle was buried in his neck. His mind locked on Steve’s smiling face as a feeling of fire rushed through his veins and the pain forced a scream from his lungs. A scream that most of all resembled the one of a pained, dying animal. An animal that was being burned alive, set afire from the inside. 

Bucky didn’t realize he was left in the room. He didn’t hear the gunshots outside or the war that raged around him. He felt as if a thousand needles tried to escape his body from the inside. He repeated his rank, serial number and name over and over in a mumble as he fought to stay awake and regain control of his own mind. 

He had no idea how much time had passed when his dreams started to become painfully vivid. Steve’s voice sounded over and over, calling his name as if he was standing right beside him. He felt the stabs being pulled from his body and he fought to focus. 

His instinct told him it wasn’t the soldiers that usually threw him back into his cell. The straps broke, they weren’t loosened like they usually were. The touch to his shoulder was gentle and didn’t fill him with dread of more suffering. It felt safe and familiar but Bucky’s hazy mind wasn’t able to make out why. 

“Who’s that? Who’s there?” he mumbled trying his hardest to focus on the face leaning down above him. 

“It’s me. It’s Steve,” the voice he knew he would never forget sounded and his face finally came into focus. 

“Steve,” Bucky smiled in recognition, for a moment forgetting the pain and where he was. Steve was with him. He was alive and safe, standing right beside him. 

“Come on,” Steve gently pulled Bucky from the table and helped him stand on his own two legs. 

The smile of relief and happiness on Steve’s face was evident, despite the situation. The two of them clung to each other as Bucky tried to make sense of what he was seeing. Steve was taller and wider than him, but there was no doubt in his mind that the man before him was his best friend. It was the same reassuring smile Bucky had gotten from him everytime Steve had told Bucky not to worry so much about him. It was the same blue eyes that were only matched by the Atlantic Bucky had crossed to get to Europe. It was the same gentle touch that sent a different kind of fire through Bucky’s body, than the one the needles had induced over the passing days. Even in the midst of the war and with the change Bucky fought to understand, the feeling of home Steve brought him hadn’t gone away. 

“I thought you were dead,” Steve breathed a sigh of relief, laying a gentle hand on Bucky’s neck, looking into his eyes for a few brief seconds. They were enough to make Bucky’s heart skip a beat before Steve looked away, his attention drawn by an explosion outside. 

“I thought you were smaller,” Bucky mumbled, trying to find his balance on his own as the reality of where they were started to hit him. Steve was here but they weren’t safe. He had no idea what the stupid punk had done to himself or how he had gotten here, but Bucky knew they needed to get out and fast. The last thing Bucky wanted was for Steve to die trying to save his sorry ass. 

“Come on,” Steve ordered before Bucky could start scolding him or even make sense of what had happened between the last time they had seen each other and now. Bucky tried taking a step but, lost it, leaning heavily against Steve who held him up with ease as he rushed them towards the hallway. 

“What happened to you?” Bucky asked, trying his best to make sense of what was going on. Bucky felt drunk and his brain was desperately trying to catch up to what he what was going on around him. Steve’s well being was still more important to him though and getting out of there alive took a backseat to his concern for what Steve had been dumb enough to put himself through in Bucky’s absence. 

“I joined the army,” Steve answered matter of factly, with a cheeky smile sent Bucky’s way. He was sure he would have rolled his eyes at the kid had it not taken more than enough effort to regain control of his body to be able to walk, or maybe it was more like stumble, behind Steve on his own. 

“Did it hurt?” Bucky asked, his eyes never leaving Steve, trying desperately to assure himself this was real. It wasn’t a dream and Steve was Steve. 

“A little,” Steve answered him, clearly more occupied with getting the two of them out safely, than he was answering Bucky’s questions, but he still humored him. 

“Is it permanent?” Bucky asked. He wasn’t sure what he hoped Steve’s answer was going to be, to be honest. Steve had always been perfect the way he was in Bucky’s eyes. He had never seen him as anything less than anyone else. On the contrary, Steve had more heart and passion than anyone he had ever met in his life. Steve was everything to Bucky, so if this change meant he wasn’t going to die from breathing difficulties or tuberculosis within a few years, it was something Bucky could get used to he decided. As soon as he got used to walking again that was. 

The explosions started sounding behind them, sending Bucky sideways into a wall, but he was back on his feet before Steve could help him back up. Their eyes met and suddenly Bucky saw the slight hesitation in Steve’s. He wasn’t sure what it was about. If it was fear for Bucky’s life, his own or something else entirely, but it was enough for the haze to life from Bucky’s mind. No matter what he looked like and how shitty Bucky felt, Steve was still his Steve and the need to protect him was still there. It would always be there, Bucky knew that in that second. They were still Steve and Bucky and getting out of here alive and together was all that mattered now. 

“It’s the fabric floor. It’s rigged,” Bucky recalled from the times he had been dragged across here as a worker. A slave, forced to build weapons that were going to be used to kill men he had fought beside for the past months. 

“Over there,” Bucky pointed towards the ladders he knew would take them up and Steve nodded, giving him a small smile which Bucky instantly returned. He wasn’t sure if Steve was trying to reassure him everything was going to be fine or if it was the other way around. It didn’t really matter. All that mattered was they were together and that they stayed that way from now on. 

Steve took the lead as they made their way up and away from the fire and explosions beneath them. Bucky was still a little shaky as he ran, but he was determined to keep up and not slow Steve down in any way. 

“Captain America. How exciting. I’m a great fan of your films,” a voice sounded from across the bridge causing Bucky and Steve both to stop in their tracks. Bucky’s blood ran cold as he recognized the man behind the one who was speaking. It was the doctor, as he had called himself, that had tortured Bucky for the past few days or weeks. He wasn’t sure but had Bucky been at full strength or just alone on the bridge without Steve to worry about he would have headed straight for him. Bucky had never hated anyone. Not even the soldiers he fought against or the bullies that beat Steve up. Bucky had gotten into fights and killed Germans because he had too. Not because of hatred towards anyone. He knew that a lot of the soldiers’ lives he had taken were just men following orders.  The man hiding in the shadows he hated more than anything. 

Bucky kept an eye on Dr. Frankenstein man as he leaned against the rail to save his strength. Steve approached the man who kept speaking in a condescending tone and broken English. Bucky didn’t recognize him, but if he knew the stance and tone of voice. He was the same type of bully Steve had spent his life standing up too and Bucky knew his friend well enough to anticipate the punch before it happened. 

Bucky frantically looked around the area when they fight between the two men broke out. Even if it looked like Steve was holding his own just fine, it was deeply ingrained in Bucky to protect him. He saw the fires below them and he was just about ready to move out onto the bridge himself when to pull Steve back on to safer ground when the doctor pulled a lever. The bridge split in two and Steve returned to Bucky’s side while the bully drifted back toward the doctor. 

Bucky reached out, putting a calming hand on Steve’s back, while still leaning heavily on the rails with his free arm. He knew Steve and now wasn’t the time. They would get him. Both of them, but right now they had to focus on getting out of here, not stopping the bullies. 

“No matter what lies Eskin told you. I was his greatest success,” the guy yelled across the sea of flames coming up from beneath them. Bucky’s jaw dropped as he watched the man pull off his face revealing his disfigured, red skin beneath it. 

“You don’t have one of those do you?” Bucky halfway joked, but his stomach also turned. Not because there was any real fear in him that Steve was masked or that it even mattered if he was. No, he hated the amount of pain he knew Steve would have put himself through to change himself. Bucky no longer listened to the idiot’s speech about leaving humanity behind. He thought about his time with Steve and how he had failed him. 

If he had only been honest about how he felt or at least shown him more clearly how important and special he was to him, then maybe Steve wouldn’t have felt as if he had to put himself through whatever he had done. 

Bucky wasn’t pulled from his thoughts until after he had promised himself he would do better from now on. Not until he felt Steve’s hand on his arm, pulling him with him towards the ladders and up. The explosions grew in strength and Bucky forced himself to focus on the task before him. They needed to find a way out, which they did a few stories up. A beam between the two platforms allowed them to cross and get to the door on the other side. 

Bucky allowed Steve to help over the rails and he took a deep breath, trying to gather whatever strength and willpower he had left. It took all his focus to keep his balance when the beam started to move. Looking down, Bucky knew that one wrong step and his life would be over. It couldn’t be. He had made it this far. He was finally reunited with his best friend. The man he had finally realized how deeply he loved when his own life wasn’t any longer guaranteed to be a long one. Bucky wanted to live. He wasn’t done experiencing all the things he wanted to do in life and he wanted more time with Steve. 

When the beam started to shake beneath him he jumped, just barely reaching the rails across from where Steve still stood. As he pulled himself over, looking back he realized the beam was gone. There was no way across.

Bucky looked around his side in a panic, trying to figure out a way for Steve to get to the door. To get to back to him again. It was Bucky’s fault Steve was here. He had come for him. There was no way he was letting this be the end for either of them. 

“There has got to be a rope or something,” the desperation in Bucky’s voice was clear when his eyes met with Steve’s who tried to wave him on. Bucky knew that Steve wanted him safe, just as much as Bucky wanted the same for Steve. 

“No! Not without you!” Bucky screamed back, meaning every word. If he had to stand here until the flames devoured them both so be it. There was no way in hell Bucky was about to run from a burning building with Steve still trapped inside. If this was the end of the line then it would be. They would face it together. 

What Bucky hadn’t anticipated was Steve’s reaction. He watched in disbelief as the once scrawny kid from Brooklyn pulled the rails to the side with his bare hands and took a few steps back, running towards the edge and jumping. 

Had Bucky been able to think clearly he was sure he would have tried to stop him. Instead, he watched Steve soar through the air until he crashed against the railed just by Bucky’s side. Not until then did his brain kickstart itself again and Bucky quickly grabbed a hold of his friend’s hands, pulling him over the rail with him. 

They rolled to the floor both heaving for breath. Bucky more so than Steve much to his added annoyance. 

“Have you lost your goddamn mind?! Of all the stupid things you’d done,” Bucky grumbled, when Steve got back on his feet, dragging Bucky after him.

Steve didn’t pay much attention to Bucky’s stream of words. He just headed for the door, pulling it off its hinges giving them an escape route into the night. 

“Can you yell at me later? The building is about to collapse here,” Steve sent Bucky a cheeky grin that made his heart skip a beat. He still wasn’t sure if he wanted to kick Steve’s ass or kiss him breathless as he followed him into safety, and he assumed that would be the never-ending struggle for as long as they both lived.

##  November 16th, 1943

The following few weeks were spent walking back to camp. Bucky recovered quicker than anyone around him had expected. At least physically. He had trouble sleeping and he had to fight himself not to panic everytime something touched his neck and a flashback to Dr. Frankenstein’s room entered his mind. Bucky hated it and it made him feel weak.

His time strapped to the doctor's table had changed him. The war had stripped some of his carefree attitude from him but nothing had scared him as deeply as the past few days had. Not friends dying in his arms, not seeing women and children dead on the streets, not fearing for his own life in the midst of battle. Nothing compared to the pain and helplessness he had felt on that table. Bucky vowed he would get through this and that he was never going back no matter what. 

To keep himself sane, he focused on helping the wounded and keeping the men safe as he marched beside Steve through enemy territory. He spent every night sitting next to Steve as the two men caught up on each other’s lives. It was weird having memories the other wasn’t a direct part of now. Bucky wasn’t entirely sure how he felt about that. Everything Bucky had experienced up until he left for England this summer Steve had been there for. It all seemed like a lifetime ago now and Bucky felt so disconnected to it all. Nothing felt the same. Steve didn’t even look the same. 

Neither of them was the same anymore, and Steve no longer needed a protector. Bucky just might, however, even if he hated it. The balance between them had shifted and Bucky wasn't sure what it meant for the two of them. He was sure that his feelings hadn’t changed and doubted that they ever would. Bucky loved Steve no matter what and he was damn proud of him, just like he had always been.

Bucky walked into the camp having people clap for Steve as they and Bucky’s most trusted men, led in the group of assumed lost in action soldiers home. Bucky had never been prouder of his best friend. Finally, people saw the man Bucky had always known Steve to be and it made his heart swell. 

He shared a small smile with Steve when he patted Bucky’s back. He hadn’t told Steve how hard his captivity had been on him, but Bucky suspected that Steve somehow knew. The look Steve gave him wasn’t just a “we made it, buddy” look. It was loving and reassuring, letting Bucky know he was safe. 

It was more than pride Bucky felt walking into the camp. It was relief he was safe and far away from the doctor’s table. It was grief for the people he had known that weren’t walking behind them. It was a worry for what this meant for Steve. He knew him well enough to know that now Steve had gotten a taste of the difference he could make, he wasn’t about to be held back easily. He had, however, disobeyed a direct order and Bucky also knew that Steve would submit to whatever punishment that entailed. Bucky, on the other hand, would fight the guy that was dumb enough to try. Some things never changed.    

Some things did, though, and as Bucky called out to the rest of the soldiers to honor Steve’s bravery, he allowed it all to sink in. Neither of them would ever be the same again and Bucky grieved the loss of the two boys roaming the streets of Brooklyn. Without a care in the world and without knowing the meaning of true evil. Those days were gone and so was their innocence. 


	8. Sergeant and His Captain

 

##  November 20th, 1943

Bucky didn’t want to be at the bar. Before the war and before being strapped to a table having needles jammed into his neck and machines attached to his skull, he would have been out there with the rest of them. Drinking and celebrating their freedom. 

The thing was, even if Bucky was free to go home after all he had been through, he wasn’t free. He had a mission now and it was the same mission it had been all his life. Protecting Steve; even if he physically didn’t need it anymore, which Bucky was still struggling with coming to terms with. It was still Steve that walked beside him making their way through enemy territory a few days ago, but it wasn’t. He didn’t have to watch his breathing to make sure he wasn’t pushing himself too hard. He didn’t have to be wary of anyone around them that might see him as an easy target to beat him. He didn’t even have to look down to speak with him anymore. 

So much about Steve had changed, but he was still Steve. His Steve. The same stubborn, infuriating, loving kid he had grown up with. He always would be and the feelings Bucky had given up suppressing these past few months were still there. It didn’t matter how Steve looked like or what some doctor had pumped him into him He was still Bucky’s Steve and he still loved him. 

It wasn’t just that Bucky felt he belonged with Steve. He had first hand experienced what HYDRA was capable of. He had seen it. He had looked at Steve’s map and he knew the headquarters wasn’t on there. He knew wasn’t sure what kind of weapon they were building but he had heard enough to know none of those places were big enough to hold it. If no one stopped them there wouldn’t be a home to go back too. Steve was the world’s best bet, Bucky had seen enough of what his best friend was now capable of to know that, but he also knew Steve couldn’t do it alone. Bucky wouldn’t let him try. There was no way Bucky was leaving this war until it was won and the world was safe again. 

Bucky forced a smile on his face, looking up as Steve walked into the backroom where Bucky had been hiding all night with a bottle of whiskey. He wasn’t hiding. He was forgetting, but he wouldn’t let Steve see that. He had enough to worry about without adding his second in command to the list. 

“See. I told you. They are all idiots,” Bucky smirked, downing his glass of whiskey as Steve took a seat next to him. The group of men that had served under Bucky and that had helped them get the wounded soldiers back to camp had been Steve’s first choice when he had told, Bucky he was forming an elite group. He had asked Bucky’s advice if it was the right call to ask them and Bucky had encouraged it. He knew the men. They would have Steve’s and each other’s back. They wanted to wipe HYDRA off the face of the earth as much as Bucky did. 

“How about you?” There was a teasing smile on Steve’s face but the uncertainty in his voice was clear to Bucky. Doubtfully to anyone else, but Bucky had known Steve all his life. He was able to read the man next to him like a book without even looking at him. 

“Are you ready to follow Captain America into the jaws of death?” Steve added jokingly, trying to hide whatever insecurities he worried might have slipped through. 

“Hell no,” Bucky answered, noticing Steve’s frown out of the corner of his eye, but he just continued before Steve could get a word in. “That little guy from Brooklyn that was too dumb to run away from a fight. I’m following him,” Bucky looked into Steve’s eyes smiling when the man beside him looked down, with a smile on his face. 

Bucky had accomplished what he set out to do. He wanted Steve to know that he still saw him. No matter what changed within them the love and respect build over decades remained. Steve was still Steve and Bucky was still Bucky, both of them just a little more broken and less innocent than a year ago. 

There was so much Bucky wanted to tell Steve at that moment but he still hadn’t found a way. He was terrified of how he felt might change things between them so instead of being honest he did what he knew how to do. He flirted.

“But you’re keeping the outfit right?” Bucky leaned in a little closer, sending Steve his signature smirk. For a second he swore he saw the annoyed expression on Steve’s face fizzle into a slight blush as he smiled back cheekily, looking Bucky up and down. 

“You know what?” Steve answered looking back at the suit before into Bucky’s eyes. “It’s kinda growing on me.” It was now Bucky’s turn to blush and smile, but before he could say anything the bar went quiet. The two of them turned in sync to figure out what caused it. 

They both stood up in respect as the women dressed completely in red entered the room. Bucky knew who she was of course. Agent Peggy Carter. Steve had barely shut up about her on the walk from the HYDRA factory to the American camp. 

Bucky knew it would have been logical to recent her but he hadn’t. She had been there for Steve when he couldn’t be and seeing her tonight it wasn’t hard to see why Steve was so infatuated with her. She was a gorgeous strong woman. The kind of woman Bucky up until his departure had fooled himself into thinking he wanted Steve to end up with. Now seeing their interaction and subtle flirting play out right before his eyes, hurt Bucky more than any needle doctor Zola had jammed into his neck.  

Bucky quietly excused himself, making his way back to his quarters, leaving Steve and Peggy on their own in the barroom. He hated himself for not staying and fighting for Steve, but Bucky also knew what he wanted was something he could never have. The love he had for Steve, as pure and true as it was, wasn’t right. Or at least the world didn’t think it was. To Bucky, nothing in this world was more right, but he also wanted Steve to be happy. If it meant a lifetime of being his best friend, loving him from afar as Steve settled down with Peggy so be it. If Steve was happy, Bucky would find a way to be too. 

That was what he was trying to convince himself as he sat in his room, he had been granted given his status as a recent prisoner of war. He looked over the letters he had received from Connie, including the tear-stained one after he broke it off with her. It wasn’t spiteful. She wished him the best of luck and begged him to stay safe and return home soon even if it wasn’t to her. 

He was now second guessing that choice but only for a brief moment. The pain of seeing Steve with Peggy was what brought his mind back to her again. He knew spending his life with her wouldn’t be fair to her. She was an amazing woman, and Bucky did care for her. He just couldn’t love her the way she deserved. She deserved to be someone’s first choice, not their second which was all she ever would have been with him. 

Bucky poured himself a third glass of whiskey and the tears started falling from his eyes. He wasn’t even completely sure what they were about anymore. Maybe it was the days he spent in the prison camp working on weapons designed to kill his brothers in arms. Or it could be the days he spent being dragged from his cell only to suffer a pain worse than he had ever imagined while being strapped to a table and needles going into his neck. Maybe his tears were for Steve and not only for the forbidden love, Bucky felt for his best friend. A love tonight that had slapped him in the face with, reminding him Steve would never return his affection. Or maybe Bucky simple mourned the part of his friend that was no more. The skinny kid from Brooklyn that needed him. Steve didn’t need him anymore, and that was a torture worse than anything HYDRA had subjected him too. 

Bucky was crying, folded over on the bed and with his hands covering his face. He was crying so hard he didn’t hear the door open and close. He didn’t know he wasn’t alone before the bed dipped beside him. Bucky froze. He didn’t look up. He didn’t have too. He knew who it was before a pair of strong arms wrapped themselves around him and pulled him into a solid chest. 

It didn’t feel like Steve, but it also did. Bucky melted into his embrace, clinging to him for comfort like Steve had to him so many times in their youth after Joseph's abuse.

“I’m here. It’s okay,” Steve repeated over and over, letting Bucky take solace in the sound of his voice. Right up until Bucky couldn’t take it anymore. Steve was there but it wasn’t okay. It wasn’t ever gonna be and Bucky would just have to learn to live with that. 

He pulled away, drying his eyes, but didn't look at Steve. He couldn’t bring himself too. Not because he was ashamed of crying all over him. He wasn’t, which spoke volumes of their closeness. Had he been anyone else Bucky would have been mortified. Bucky just couldn’t look at Steve and know he would never have him right now. Not the way he needed him at least. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Steve’s voice was soft, not accusatory. A little sad maybe causing Bucky to frown, trying to figure out what Steve meant. 

“I… Peggy said you looked sad when you left. She explained why too,” Steve was stumbling over his words and Bucky froze. Did she guess? How the fuck would she? He didn’t even know the woman and he had been hiding how he felt for years. Even from himself. 

Bucky squeezed his eyes shut and swallowed deeply. That was what changed. Bucky knew without a shadow of a doubt he had loved Steve from the moment he saw him as a child. He loved him, but he hadn’t let himself feel it until recently. Maybe he wasn’t hiding it as well as he thought he was anymore. He had to get better.

“I mean she could be wrong,” Steve continued, “she hasn’t been so far but… Bucky please tell me. I promise I won’t run away. I just need to hear you say it first.”

First. That word made Bucky jerk to look at Steve. He looked as nervous as he felt. He wasn’t looking at Bucky either, but somehow Bucky just knew. He had known Steve for all his life. In some ways, Bucky knew that punk better than he knew himself but it wasn’t until this moment with Steve’s eyes nailed to the floor that all of their childhood memories came rushing over Bucky. And he knew. 

“I love you, Stevie,” Bucky’s voice almost broke when he spoke and he closed his eyes now suddenly remembering the way Steve had looked at Peggy. 

“You love her,” Bucky’s voice was frail. He didn’t regret admitting his feelings to Steve. He knew that Steve wouldn’t treat him any different. He knew that Steve wouldn’t judge him or push him away. It wasn’t who Steve was and their friendship was stronger than that. What happened next completely took Bucky by surprise though. Steve’s hand gently slide inside his resting on the bed between them, giving it a small squeeze. 

“I do. Not the way I love you though,” Steve sounded braver now and for the first time their eyes met and Bucky felt as if he couldn’t breathe and was breathing for the first time all at once. Steve loved him back. 

“I just… I need time,” Steve admitted looking almost shameful and Bucky couldn’t help but laugh. He was so relieved. He knew this didn’t solve how the world would see them or even if either of them were brave enough to move forward. But he loved Steve and Steve loved him. Right now, at this moment, that was enough.

“I’ll be here,” Bucky gave Steve’s hand a small squeeze and their eyes met. “Come here,” Bucky chuckled, pulling Steve into a tight embrace. 

##  April 1st, 1944

The French spring air was still cool during the night and Bucky pulled his jacket closer around him as he laid waiting for the rest of the Howling Commandos to fall asleep. Steve was on first watch and Bucky needed to talk with him. 

Sometimes things between them seemed to be just like they always was. Steve could still be as stupidly reckless as he had been as a kid and Bucky was the only one that was able to talk him out of the worst of it. Bucky was still Steve’s best friend and his second in command, he just wasn’t sure what else he was if anything. 

It had been almost 5 months since they confessed their feelings to each other and almost nothing had changed. Bucky knew they had other and more important things to attend to given they were in the middle of Nazi-occupied Europe, trying to free the world of Hitler and Hydra all at the same time. He just also knew Steve. 

The first few months there had been hidden glances and smiles. Small touches and brushes against each other's hands or lower back in passing. Bucky had been happier than he had been in a long time. 

Then Steve had begun to change back to how things had always been. Hell, worse. Sometimes Bucky even felt as if Steve was avoiding spending time alone with him and Bucky had no idea what he had done or if Steve had just regretted everything. Maybe he had realized this was wrong and Bucky wasn’t what he wanted after all. 

After a month of wondering and worrying Bucky had been so frustrated he had gone to Peggy. He didn’t know her all that well, but Steve trusted her and cared for her. That was enough for Bucky to quickly begin doing the same. More than that she was the only one that knew and she hadn’t once appeared judgemental of them either. Bucky liked her even if he had scoffed when she called him a tosser within five minutes of their conversation. 

She had told Bucky to go talk to Steve but had wrapped her arms around him in a comforting embrace when she had realized how worried he actually was of losing his best friend. She had assured him that he wasn’t going to lose Steve and honestly Bucky had gotten the impression he wasn’t the only tosser that had been to talk to her about something. He left feeling better and even if she had kept whatever secrets Bucky was sure Steve had let her in on, she had managed to give him the courage he had so desperately needed. 

She was the reason Bucky was lying awake in the middle of nowhere in France freezing his ass off waiting for Dum Dum as the last to start snoring beside him, so he could sneak away from the camp and to go talk to Steve. 

Bucky drew a sigh of relief when the usually offending sound finally appeared and he slowly moved to his feet, looking around him to make sure none of the men had moved. When he was satisfied, they were all asleep Bucky slowly sneaked out of the camp and towards Steve’s lookout. 

“Hey,” Bucky spoke quietly as he sat down next to Steve who never took his eyes off the road below them. 

“Hi, Buck. Can’t sleep?” Steve inquired without looking over at him and Bucky couldn’t help but roll his eyes as Steve’s stubbornness to pretend nothing was wrong when Bucky could clearly see his shoulders tensing as he had walked up behind him.  

“I don’t know. Haven’t tried,” Bucky shivered, pulling his jacket closer around him to keep out the cold. “I wanted to talk to you.”

“Is something wrong?” The worry in Steve’s eyes was evident when he looked over at Bucky for the first time and his heart almost broke. Bucky still had a fierce need to protect Steve from everything that might hurt him, but he also knew that if they had to move past this a little pain might be necessary. Bucky needed them to move past this. No matter how or what it meant, Steve was too important for Bucky to lose over this. 

“I don’t know? Is there? You’ve been acting weird for weeks, Stevie,” Bucky pushed gently. He didn’t want to fight. He just needed to know. Whatever it was Bucky could deal with it, the uncertainty was driving him insane. 

“No, I ha…” Steve started, but the look Bucky sent him stopped him mid-sentence. Bucky knew Steve realized there was no point in lying about whatever it was. Bucky could read him like a book and if he wasn’t going, to tell the truth, he might as well not talk. 

Steve sat there quietly for a moment and Bucky let him. He knew how far to push Steve and when to stop. He had voiced his concern and all he could do now was wait and out-stubborn him. Bucky tried to hide a small smile when Steve finally sighed deeply and Bucky knew he had won this round. 

“This is hard,” Steve said quietly looking out into the night and Bucky’s smile fell. He reached out placing a hand on Steve’s arm giving it a small squeeze in reassurance. 

“I know, Stevie. But it’s me. It’s still me. You can tell me everything, you know that” Bucky assured him.   

“I’m still me too,” Steve blurted out and the accusation in his tone made Bucky freeze, before frowning. What the hell did he mean by that? Bucky knew Steve had changed but he didn’t treat him any different than he always had. 

Bucky pulled his hand back but kept his eyes on the side of Steve’s face. He wasn’t even looking at Bucky. 

“What the hell do you mean by that?” The words came out a little harsher than Bucky had intended too, but truthfully he was hurt. It wasn’t Bucky’s choice that Steve had let scientists experiment on him. He hated that he Steve thought he had to do that, but it hadn’t changed how Bucky saw him. He was still the same snot-nosed kid, that got himself into way too much trouble and was annoyingly honorable all the time. He was still the same person, minus a few illnesses that Bucky had fallen in love with and for Steve to accuse him of not seeing that hurt like hell. 

“I’m still the same person. I don’t feel the way I look now,” Steve started talking, his voice riddled with pain as well. “You didn’t want me back then. I mean we were friends. Best friends, I know that. I never doubted how much you cared for me like that, but why do you want something else now?”

Bucky’s eyes widened as Steve rambled and his heart fell. This was why Peggy had told Bucky to talk to Steve. He felt as if Bucky only wanted him for his changed appearance when that couldn’t be further from the truth. Bucky blinked hard, trying to keep his tears at bay as he tried to figure out how to convince Steve of how he had been feeling. 

He knew Steve and the way that doubt could fester in his mind. Nothing Bucky could say right now would change how badly it had taken a hold already. Bucky could see that. Years of rejections, which Bucky realized he was more than a little to blame for, had taken its toll. 

Suddenly an idea entered Bucky’s mind and he pushed himself to his feet, leaving a surprised Steve sitting at the outlook. He heard Steve call his name, but he didn’t stop. Not before he reached the camp and his duffle bag. It was hard to see anything in the dark spring night, but Bucky still managed to find the journal he had been writing along with the letters before he was captured. It had been back at camp and to his luck, no one had mailed it back to his family before he had gotten too it upon his return. The words inside it weren’t something he thought that his parents would ever accept and if they were ever going too it had to come from him and not a diary. 

Bucky took a deep breath, closing his eyes to steady himself for a moment before he ran back to the outlook and a teary Steve. He wanted to kick himself for running off like that when he saw Steve looking up at him. There was so much hurt in his eyes and Bucky hoped that the words inside the small book he was holding would ease some of that. 

“I wrote you. I am sure those letters with be waiting back home for us, but I never said all I wanted to say in those letters. I know, I acted like a jerk. All the dates and…” Bucky rambled as he sat down next to Steve again. He didn’t look at him he just clung to the book. 

“I always felt it. I… It just took me going to war to realize I couldn’t keep avoiding it, I guess,” Bucky humorlessly chuckled. “I couldn’t tell you in a letter, but I needed to get it out. So I wrote it all down right here.”

Bucky handed Steve the diary and for the first time, Bucky looked at his best friend since he had sat back down. Steve’s eyes were still teary as he shook his head, pushing Bucky’s hand and the book back. 

“I can’t. It’s your journal. It’s too personal,” Steve insisted and Bucky couldn’t help but smile as he reached out to Steve, wiping away his tears. 

“I got nothing to hide from you. Please read it. I’ll be right here,” Bucky pushed the book into Steve’s hand and gave him an encouraging nod as Steve opened to the first page, but stopped to look up at Bucky. “Go on.”

Bucky kept watch, while Steve read, sneaking a glance at him every now and again. The tears were back on Steve’s cheeks, but Bucky didn’t dare to move to wipe them away. He just waited as Steve read for what felt like hours. Bucky knew that it wasn’t. 

“You never told me,” Steve’s voice sounded next to Bucky and he looked over with a smile on his face. The hurt was gone from Steve’s eyes and all Bucky saw now was love. A love that almost knocked the wind from his lungs. 

“Well, neither did you, pal,” Bucky teased but stopped to suck in a breath as Steve moved closer, cupping Bucky’s face in his hands. Bucky’s arm wrapped around Steve’s waist and his free hand rested on his thigh as he allowed himself to get lost in the blue eyes staring into his. 

“I really want to kiss you,” Steve’s voice was barely a whisper and a huge smile broke on Bucky’s face. 

“Well, I ain't stopping ya,” Bucky teased, and before he had time to think Steve’s lips were on his. The kiss was careful and exploring at first, but it wasn’t long before both men grew bolder and the kiss deepened. They sat under the stars in France, kissing each other and trying to convey all the things words couldn’t. They had loved each other since they were children and no matter how wrong the world thought this love was, nothing had ever felt more right to Bucky. Steve was in his arms and if this would be his last memory he knew he could die happy tonight.  

##  July 4th, 1944

It was a warm night in the south of France. The Howling Commandos and Captain America were on a short well deserved leave and Bucky was buzzing. Not because of the alcohol in his blood though, but because of Steve. 

The past few months had been good. As good as they could be given the whole fighting Hydra and Nazis thing. Steve was still a punk and Bucky was sure that would never change. He still acted before thinking things through, because they were the right things to do. He still scared the crap out of Bucky who still fought to keep his stupid, stubborn ass safe. He was still Steve and Bucky couldn’t be happier. 

The stolen quiet moments made it all worth it. The small brushing against each other. The endless excuses to be left alone together. The kissing and pressing each other up against trees or abandoned buildings. Or simply just the nights sitting in the company of the others laughing and talking like they always had. 

Tonight was Steve’s birthday and of course, he hadn’t even come to the bar yet. He was at the command center planning for the next mission, which made kidnapping him all the harder. Bucky didn’t care, he couldn’t wait any longer so he left the bar. If Steve wouldn’t come to him, he’d go to Steve. He smiled as he met Peggy in the doorway to the building and stopped.

“Is he alone?” Bucky asked her and Peggy nodded with a shake of her head. 

“I tried to convince him to rest for the night. He’s bloody stubborn,” she grumbled, but Bucky just laughed seeing the playfulness and care in her eyes. There was no doubt in Bucky’s mind that Peggy loved Steve as much as he did. He admired her for not only allowing Steve his own choice but also going out of her way to ensure both of their happiness, covering for them if she needed too, or talking sense into them when they were being idiots. She was a blessing and Bucky knew he would always care for her very much, no matter what the future held. 

“He always was. Good thing I’m more stubborn,” Bucky winked at Peggy, making her laugh and shake her head. 

“Don’t do anything stupid tonight,” she insisted and Bucky chuckled, nodding towards the com room. 

“Have you met Steve?” he grinned, letting Peggy adjust his uniform. 

“Yes, Sergeant Barnes. And I also met you. So don’t do anything stupid,” she repeated seriously, with a glimmer of amusement in her eyes. 

“Yes ma’am,” Bucky laughed, giving her arm a squeeze before they headed their separate ways, Bucky in search of Steve. 

“Alright, punk. You’re done for tonight,” Bucky walked up behind Steve pulling the report from his hands and tossing it across the table. Steve made a very disgruntled noise, trying to reach for it, but Bucky wasn’t having it. He tugged Steve’s chair back so he couldn’t reach across the table, laughing when Steve spoke his name in a scolding tone. 

Steve’s expression softened the moment he got up only for Bucky to grab his arm and spin him around into his arms. 

“Happy birthday, Stevie,” Bucky grinned as he felt Steve relax in his arms.

“I’m not getting rid of you, am I?” Steve sighed, but his blue eyes were shining with love and amusement. 

“Nope,” Bucky popped the p, before pressing a tender kiss to Steve’s lips. “I’m kidnapping you.” Bucky took Steve’s hand and began dragging him towards the door. Not paying attention to Steve’s half-hearted protests. 

“You do realize I am your superior, right?” Steve asked in amusement and Bucky poked his head out the door to make sure the coast was clear before pushing Steve into the passenger seat of one of the jeeps. 

“Yeah,” Bucky stopped holding the door open leaning in to press a kiss to Steve’s cheek. “How’s that working out for you, sweetheart?” Bucky teased, feeling his heart skip a beat as Steve blushed. 

Bucky chuckled, trying to play it cool as he closed the door, ran around the car and got behind the wheel. 

“Where are we going, Buck?” Steve tried to push again when Bucky got into the car pulling away from the camp. He just smiled, keeping his eyes on the road, knowing that his silence would annoy Steve more than anything. It wasn’t the first time he had kidnapped Steve without explanation. He knew Steve hated it and always wanted to be in control. He saw how Steve lit up every time they arrived at whatever destination Bucky had picked. As much as Bucky loved messing with Steve, he loved making him happy even more and tonight was all about the punk.

Bucky could no longer hold in his laughter when Steve sighed heavily for the third time. He took his one hand off the wheel to tenderly run his fingers through Steve’s hair. 

“You’re so dramatic,” Bucky teased, feeling his heart skip a beat when Steve leaned into his touch with a slight him, much like a cat that had been itching for attention. 

“You’re ignoring me,” Steve whined, causing Bucky to roll his eyes, and smile cheekily. 

“I’m not ignoring you. I’m avoiding your interrogation, Stevie,” Bucky answered, and his smile grew when Steve huffed but still leaned into his touch further. “We’ll be there soon.”

The rest of the drive was comfortably quiet as Bucky kept sneaking glances at Steve. He smiled at the concentrated look on his face as he was trying to guess where Bucky was taking him. He looked so beautiful as the low hanging sun bathed his face. He had changed so much by the serum but his eyes and facial features were still the same. Steve was still the same and that was all that mattered to Bucky. He loved him, no matter what he looked like. 

Steve looked more than a little confused when Bucky pulled up on the hillside. Bucky threw his head back in laughter, before bringing Steve’s hand to his lips, kissing his knuckles. The features of the man in front of him instantly softened, and Bucky gave his hand a squeeze. 

“Come on,” Bucky grinned, jumping out of the car, practically running towards the hillside where the sun was setting above the small village below them. There was clearly a party going on in the village and the happy music carried all the way to where Bucky and now Steve stood.  

“This place is beautiful, Buck,” Steve’s voice sounded beside him and Bucky smiled looking over at Steve. His skin glowed and his eyes were almost sparkling like diamonds in the soft lighting. 

“So are you,” Bucky said without thought but wanted to kick himself when he saw Steve flinch a little and look down. Bucky wasn’t having it. He wouldn’t allow Steve to be self-conscious about the changes his body had gone through. Not with him. 

Bucky took his hand in one of his, pulling Steve to stand in front of him before cupping his jaw with his free hand, urging their eyes to meet. 

“You always were. Inside and out,” Bucky’s voice was tender, smiling as he saw the blush in Steve’s cheeks. 

“You were also always a punk, though. Still are too,” Bucky teased, so Steve wouldn’t become too embarrassed and he chuckled when Steve laughed.

“Well, you’re still a jerk,” Steve grumbled playfully but let Bucky lean in to kiss him deeply and tenderly.

“Dance with me,” Bucky whispered when he pulled back, frowning a little when he saw the panic on Steve’s face. A thought suddenly dawned on Bucky and he pulled back, his hands hanging down by his sides. 

“Sorry. You wanted Peggy to…” Bucky started, looking down at his shoes, but was stopped by Steve’s hands on his neck and his lips on his. Bucky’s hands instantly found Steve’s waist and he closed his eyes, feeling all the love and affection Steve communicated with his kiss.

“Buck…” Steve rested his forehead against Bucky’s closing his eyes, swallowing harshly. He was nervous. Bucky knew that he just had no idea why. So he waited, giving Steve time, knowing that he would talk eventually. 

“I want it to be you. I always wanted it to be you,” Steve whispered before opening his eyes, looking so vulnerable that for a moment all Bucky could see in front of him was his small, fragile best friend from Brooklyn and Bucky instinctively pulled him a little closer against his body.

“I don’t know how,” Steve confessed, making Bucky laugh. He stopped as suddenly as he began though when he saw the hurt looked on the face of the man that tried pulling away from his embrace. 

“Sorry. Stevie. I’m just relieved that’s all it was,” Bucky assured him. Steve relaxed instantly, letting Bucky pull him back against him. Bucky gently guided Steve’s hands to rest on his waist and arm, before place his hands the same way on Steve only opposite.  

“Let’s me teach you,” Bucky’s voice was barely above a whisper and Steve swallowed and nodded, making Bucky smile. For some reason, Steve’s nerves gave him the courage to take the lead. Not only in the dance, but in their relationship. He knew he wanted this. Steve. And he knew Steve, his best friend, and love, well enough to see he wanted Bucky just as much.

They slowly started swaying to the music. Together and in each other’s embrace as they stared deeply into each other’s eyes. Bucky had never been happier in his life as he felt an almost magnetic pull, drawing his lips to Steve’s. He was more than content to stay in Steve's arms for the rest of his life, kissing and swaying gently to the music from the small village, both of them completely oblivious to the sun has set and the starts starting to shine above them. All they saw was each other.


	9. End of the Line

##  November 15th, 1943

Bucky was fuming as they made it back to camp. He hadn’t spoken a word to Steve since the last battle where he had gotten himself completely surrounded. Bucky knew what Steve was capable of now, he had seen that with his own two eyes more than once, but Steve wasn't immortal. He couldn’t keep going on like he was. Sooner or later Bucky would take the shot from his sniper position just a few seconds too or arrive at Steve’s side to fight alone with him only after Steve had gotten mortally hurt. 

Steve hadn’t changed the slightest bit. He was still as reckless and stupidly stubborn as he had always been. Steve did what was right, with little regard for himself and Bucky hated that about him. He hated it because he loved him more than anyone and Bucky couldn’t imagine a life without Steve. He didn’t want too. 

Bucky didn’t want to fight with Steve. Instead of confronting him Bucky grabbed his bags, after clearing a small leave with Colonel Phillips. He rushed off to spend the night at a small nearby motel to get a break from everything. 

Bucky needed to breathe. He hated the anger and fear that had started to consume him. He hadn’t slowed down ones to process friends’ death, his captivity, what happened to Steve or their relationship. It wasn’t until the door closed behind him and he took a deep shaky breath it all hit him at once. The emotional and the physical pain he felt as if was still there inside him at times. All the fear of losing Steve or even his own life. He wanted a life with him after all of this was over. No matter what that meant he was ready to fight for the two of them. Hell, if he could fight Nazis and HYDRA for years, a few bullies back home didn’t seem all that scary to him. Bucky was just afraid with the way Steve was going that they’d never get there. They would never get the chance to try.

Bucky felt the tears stream down his cheeks as he heavily let his worn out body land on the bed. It had been forever since he had slept in a proper bed and despite his state of mind, it didn’t take long before he passed out. 

Bucky wasn’t sure how long he had slept before he was jolted awake by someone laying a hand on his back. Bucky didn’t think, he just reacted on pure instinct. He pulled the knife from under his pillow and twirled around flinging it at the intruder, who just barely managed to catch Bucky’s right before he took out his eye. 

“Jesus. Bucky, it’s me. Steve,” Steve’s voice sounded in the dark and Bucky instantly lowered his defenses, scrambling to turn on the lights. 

“What the hell are you doing here? I could have killed you!” Bucky snarled at Steve, who didn’t appear to be listening to him. His eyes just scanned Bucky as if he was checking him for injuries. When he appeared satisfied there were none, he finally met Bucky’s eyes but kept avoiding the question. 

“Why did you leave like that? You scared me,” Steve’s voice was filled with accusation and something in Bucky snapped. He hadn’t wanted to argue but with Steve sitting right in front of him, looking at him like he was the one at fault angered him. 

“I scared you?” Bucky growled, jumping from the bed and started pacing the room. He had no idea how to do this. He knew how to be Steve’s best friend sure. It wasn’t the first time they had argued over his recklessness, but now it was different. Their relationship was different and even if Bucky had been with women before he had no experience with this. He had never been in a relationship with any of them for long enough to work through an argument. He didn’t know what to say but he knew he had to get it out somehow. 

“Yeah, Bucky. You scared me. I came back from debriefing and Dum Dum told me you took a few days off. Your bag was gone. What was I supposed to think?” Steve wasn’t yelling. He never yelled really which was one of the things that usually angered Bucky even further when they had been arguing as young men home in Brooklyn. The war and their newfound relationship hadn’t changed that. 

“I don’t know Steve. What did you think?” Bucky shot back glaring at Steve but stopped the moment he saw the doubt and pain in his eyes. 

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come,” Steve mumbled and got off the bed heading for the door. Before he could reach it Bucky’s body reacted on instinct but this time to wrap his hand around Steve’s right wrist, stopping him. He still didn’t look at Bucky but at least he wasn’t pulling away from him either. As much angry as Bucky was with Steve’s recklessness, he didn’t want to cause him pain in any way. 

“What did you think, Stevie?” Bucky’s tone had softened but there was still a layer of anger brewing underneath it. For an entirely different reason now, however. Did Steve really think he had walked out on him? He just needed a break. All of his life Bucky had been there for Steve, it frustrated him that he would think that anything had changed. 

It had been childish of Bucky to leave like that. He saw that now. No matter how angry he was, all of this was still new to both of them and Bucky had never wanted to hurt Steve. It was the last thing he ever wanted to do and standing there in the small bedroom of the countryside motel Bucky wasn’t sure who he was more angry with, himself or Steve. 

“You thought I had left you? That I wasn’t coming back?” Bucky asked, already knowing the answer, but his heart still sank when Steve nodded, avoiding eye contact.

“You’re an idiot,” Bucky’s words made Steve’s head snap up and their eyes met for the first time since Steve had tried to leave. The blue eyes of the man Bucky loved more than anything were still filled with pain, pooling in tears. All of the anger and frustration Bucky had felt moments before disappeared. Bucky’s hands came up to cup Steve’s face, pulling him into a bruising kiss and Steve’s arms closed around Bucky’s waist pulling him close. 

“I love you, you punk,” tears were streaming down Bucky’s cheeks when he pulled back, resting his forehead against Steves and sharing his breath. 

“Your kamikaze bullshit just scares the life out of me sometimes, Stevie,” Bucky admitted, pulling away to sit back down on the edge of the bed. Steve stayed frozen in the middle of the room as if he was still trying to process the kiss. Under any other circumstances, Bucky would have laughed and pulled him towards him. Right now, however, he just took advantage of his love’s silence and continued trying to explain himself, like he should have done before leaving. 

“I get that you are a super soldier now. I see what you are capable of, but that doesn’t change that to me you are still Steve. You’re still not immortal and I can’t lose you,” Bucky’s voice broke with the last sentence and this seemed to finally awaken Steve who rushed to his side. 

“You’re not going to lose me, Bucky,” Steve insisted, running a hand through Bucky’s hair causing him to look over at the man by his side. 

“You can’t promise me that, Steve. This is war. You have no idea what…” Bucky started, only to be stopped by Steve’s lips on his own. 

“You’re right. But I am not going out there trying to get hurt. I don’t want to leave you, Buck. I’m with you until the end of the line remember?” Steve spoke, caressing Bucky’s check looking into his eyes and Bucky couldn’t help the smile that tugged at his lips with those words. 

“Until the end of the line,” Bucky promised, before leaning back in to kiss Steve again but stopped a few inches from his lips to look into his eyes. “Just promise me you’ll be careful alright?”

“I promise,” Steve breathe, though Bucky swore he could have gotten Steve to promise him just about anything in that moment if it meant Steve would get the kiss Bucky was holding prisoner. Bucky being Bucky couldn’t help but test that theory and grinned cheekily. 

“You’ll move back to Brooklyn with me when this war is over?” Bucky asked, trying to distract Steve from his real goal. 

“Where else would I move?” Steve almost whined, trying to get to Bucky’s lips, but he just pulled back a little grinning at Steve.

“Can we get a dog too?” Bucky asked, secretly loving the tortured expression on Steve’s face. 

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, yes. Buck, we can get a dog,” Steve rolled his eyes, “Just kiss me already would you?” 

The smug grin on Bucky’s face only grew as he leaned in close enough for his lips to brush over Steve’s as he made his final demand. 

“And I get to see the drawings that you hide from me too?” 

“Ye… Wait, what?” Steve pulled back with a jump, making Bucky throw his head back in laughter, while Steve glared at him clearly trying to decide if he wanted to kill him or kiss him now. 

“Damn! Not as seductive as I used to be. Guess I am out of practice,” Bucky wiggled his eyebrows at Steve, laughing again when he saw the pout on Steve’s face. It wasn’t unlike the one that used to appear when Bucky held a toy over his head and out of Steve’s reach to mess with him when they were children. 

“You’re a real jerk you know that?” Steve grumbled but didn’t fight Bucky when he let himself fall back onto the bed, pulling Steve onto of him. 

“Yeah. Yeah. And you’re a punk. Some things never change,” Bucky grinned up at Steve, loving the adoring look that had appeared in his eyes now. Bucky was so lost in Steve’s gaze he didn’t notice his hands were traveling before they slipped under his shirt and Bucky’s hips involuntarily bucked up against Steve’s as their lips met in a fiery kiss. Bucky gasped when Steve countered his movements by rolling his hips against Bucky, causing him to break free and cup Steve’s face. 

“Are you sure about this, Stevie?” Bucky asked gently, knowing full well Steve had even less experience when it came to what they were about to do than Bucky had. 

“I never been more sure about anything,” Steve answered out of breath, before a flicker of doubt appeared in his eyes, “unless you…”

Steve gasped when Bucky flipped them so Steve was pinned beneath him and a cheeky yet loving grin spread across Bucky’s face. 

“I thought you’d never ask,” he teased, kissing Steve silent before he could sass him back and Bucky let himself get lost in everything that was Steve. The war and the worries would still be there tomorrow, but right now all that mattered was the two of them.

##  December 24th, 1943

Bucky felt as if the end of the war was coming and he wasn’t sure how to feel about it. Sure, he wanted to be home safe. For Steve to be home safe. But the two of them had also been living in their own little cocoon for the past few months. With the HYDRA bases being wiped off the map one after one Bucky began to think more seriously about the future. 

Bucky loved Steve and he wanted to be with him. That much he was sure of, but they were men. Their love was not accepted by the world. There were very few people like Peggy who wouldn’t out them and judge them for their love. She was the only one that knew but Bucky also realized that returning home would change that. Steve was a national symbol now and keeping their love hidden in the big city wouldn’t be as easy as it sounded. Not with the press haunting them and Bucky also knew he couldn’t lie to his folks forever. 

Rebecca would understand. God, Peggy reminded him so much of his spunky, kind-hearted, stubborn little sister. There was no doubt in his mind she would think less of him for who he loved and it was Steve after all. He was already family to Rebecca and a shift in Bucky’s relationship with him wouldn’t make any difference to his sister. It was everyone else he worried about. Everyone else and Steve. Which was why he found himself sitting in Peggy’s tent wringing his hands and avoiding her eyes. He had just spilled every single worry he had about how people would perceive them and how he feared it would effect Steve. Truthfully, Bucky had considered breaking it off with him a few time, just out of sheer need to protect him. Steve had been bullied his entire life and Bucky didn’t want his presence in his life to add to that trauma. 

“You will do no such thing, Barnes,” Peggy’s voice was sharp and clear, but not hateful or harsh in anyway. She just commanded attention and Bucky really admired that about her, even if she had a tendency to be even bossier than Steve. 

“I know you spent your life protecting him,” she sat down next to Bucky, resting her hand on his arm and Bucky’s eyes met hers. “I am not telling you to stop looking out for him. You have no idea how thankful I am you two have each other out there.”

Her words surprised Bucky more than a little. He knew that she cared for Steve almost as deeply as he did, which was why he came to her like this. Bucky hadn’t realized she admired and cared for him as much as he did her.

“Don’t look at me like that. I got you used to you. I’d hate for that to have been in vain,” Peggy smirked, making Bucky chuckle and lower his eyes with a slight tint in his cheeks. 

“But I’m serious, Sergeant. You have to allow Steve the dignity of his own choices. Talk to him. Figure out what he wants before you make a decision you are going to regret,” she spoke softly and Bucky stood with her, smiling now. 

“You’re amazing, Peggy. You know that right?” Bucky leaned in giving her a tight embrace which she returned without hesitation. 

“I know,” Peggy smiled, making Bucky laugh.

“Merry Christmas, Bucky,” she added and Bucky’s laughter turned into a big genuine smile as she finally used his nickname instead of last name or rank. 

“Merry Christmas, Peggy,” Bucky answered, giving her cheek a chaste kiss before leaving her tent in search of Steve. 

It took Bucky the better part of an hour before he finally thought to search for Steve in his own tent. Bucky’s face lit up much like the small Christmas tree he was faced with when he walked inside. Bucky looked from the tree and to Steve standing next to it. 

“What’s this?” Bucky asked with a grin, taking the glass Steve handed him. Alcohol didn’t do anything for Steve anymore, but it also didn’t risk killing him so the two of them still shared a drink every now and again. Mostly for Bucky’s sake, but he also suspected it made Steve feel normal even though he never asked. 

“Christmas,” Steve beamed, making Bucky smile even wider than he already was. He loved how happy Steve looked in that moment and all thoughts of ending things disappeared with the sun. Bucky wanted this. Steve. And he was willing to fight to keep it if Steve was too. 

“I don’t have any presents or…” Steve began making excuses for how this wasn’t perfect, making Bucky shake his head and grab the back of Steve’s neck pulling him in for a warm, loving kiss. Bucky smiled at the dazed look on Steve’s face when he pulled back, pecking his lips again. 

“It’s perfect, Stevie. A drink. A tree and you. That’s all I need,” Bucky said truthfully, pulling Steve to sit with him on the bed. They're both just watched the tree in silence for a while nursing their drinkings and tenderly running their free hands over each other’s backs, or into the other’s hair. 

It felt so normal and perfect that Bucky for a short while forgot where they were and what he needed to talk to Steve about. Bucky was so far away in thought he didn’t notice Steve’s eyes had shifted from the tree to his face. Studying him carefully. 

“What’s on your mind Buck?” Steve asked softly, tugging Bucky’s hair slightly, making him groan in contentment. 

“You,” Bucky answered, smiling as his eyes met Steve’s that were rolling so hard Bucky worried for a second they might get stuck. 

“No, seriously,” Steve pushed, making Bucky laugh and lay down with his head resting in Steve’s lap. 

“Seriously. You. Us. I’m thinking about how I don’t want this to end when we get back home,” Bucky admitted quietly not looking up at Steve but kept his eyes on the tree fearing his reaction. 

“Why would it end?” Steve asked with that serious innocent tone only he could muster and Bucky couldn’t help but smile. 

“Because here no one is really paying attention to us most of the time. At home, there is my family and you’re Captain America. People will find out eventually. They’ll judge,” Bucky sighed, hating the world wasn’t as simple as the way he felt. Bucky loved Steve. It was as simple as that, or so it should be. 

“I don’t care, Buck,” Steve spoke softly running his hands through Bucky’s hair making him look up at Steve. “I love you. I want us living together and not as roommates… as…”

“Husband and husband?” Bucky teased with a grin, making Steve laugh. 

“Well, yeah, but without the whole married part, I guess. I don’t think even we can get away with that one,” Steve grinned, but Bucky just looked away, feeling a little pinch at his heart. He hadn’t even thought about that before. Of course, they couldn’t get married, but that didn’t stop Bucky from wishing they could. 

“I would though,” Bucky spoke quietly, looking up at Steve when he felt his confusion. It’s funny how a lifetime together, can do that. Bucky almost always knew just how Steve felt without looking at him anymore. After the insecurities had died down around their relationship, Bucky was back to reading Steve as an open book. “Marry you. If it was legal I’d ask you right now.”

Steve’s face lit up in a huge smile before he leaned down kissing Bucky deeply. “Who says it has to be legal. It’s about us, right? Let’s do it right now.”

Bucky sat up, looking wide-eyed at Steve. “What? Are you serious? We don’t even have any rings, Stevie,” Bucky couldn’t help but laugh as Steve nodded enthusiastically at his words.

“We don’t need rings. We can just give each other something. Anything,” Steve insisted and Bucky stopped laughing. The smile didn’t leave his face though as he watched Steve, almost bouncing from excitement. 

“Okay. What the hell. Will you marry me, Punk?” Bucky grinned making Steve roll his eyes at him. 

“Since you asked so nicely. Yes,” Steve leaned forward pecking Bucky’s lips before jumping from the bed and rushing toward the opening in the tent. 

“Where are you going? I thought we were skipping the whole bachelor party thing?” Bucky teased, which turned into a grumble when Steve yelled back he was going to get a gift. Bucky really hadn’t thought this through at all. Not like Steve had given him a chance too either, so he had no idea what to give him. Finally, Bucky found something fitting even if it was stupid hidden in this duffle bag and he shoved it into his pocket just as Steve returned. 

“Okay,” Steve stopped in front of Bucky who was now standing next to the tree beside the bed. “How do we do this?”

“You’re fucking asking me?” Bucky laughed but took Steve’s hands in his anyway sensing his nerves. “It’s just us pal. Breathe,” Bucky mimicked breathing out of instinct and Steve followed his lead. “Do you wanna go first? Say something and get me whatever you’re hiding in your back pocket,” Bucky grinned.

“Yeah… Okay,” Steve mumbled and Bucky gave his hands a small squeeze to get him to relax. Bucky was just about to suggest he could go first when Steve started speaking, looking straight into Bucky’s eyes. 

“You have been the only true constant in my life. When I needed a friend, you were there. When I needed a family, you let me share yours. When I had nothing, I had you,” Steve spoke softly, “and because I had you, I had everything. I love you, Buck and I can’t wait to share the rest of my life with you.”

Bucky felt as if his heart stopped beating as Steve spoke and his eyes teared up. He hadn’t doubted Steve loved him. The man was a crappy liar so once he told him Bucky knew. Still, hearing him talk this openly tugged at Bucky’s heart and he had to restrain himself so he didn’t grab Steve and kissed him breathless before the right moment. 

“What’s this?” Bucky asked when Steve handed him a folded up piece of paper, causing Steve to roll his eyes lovingly. 

“Just open it.”

Bucky did as he was told and he gasped at the sight that met him. It was a drawing of himself and Steve sitting in front of the fireplace in their Brooklyn apartment. Bucky was sitting, leaning against the corner of the couch with a book in his hands, clearly reading out loud. Steve was lying with his head in Bucky’s lap and his feet pulled up under him to rest the sketch pads for his drawings on his thighs. A big brown mutt was resting on the floor in front of them, looking adoringly up at Bucky.

“Out apartment in Brooklyn with our dog and you are watching me as I draw,” Steve explained shyly. “I drew that after you fell asleep that night at…”

“The motel,” Bucky finished for Steve, not even bothering to wipe the tears from his cheeks. He wanted that life so badly. He knew it was gonna be a rough going, but in that moment he swore to himself that they would. This was going to be their life be dammed what anyone else thought. 

“Thanks, Stevie. I love this.” 

“It does make mine look really stupid though,” Bucky thought to himself before taking a deep breath, gently folding Steve’s drawing and pressing it into his back pocket. He wanted his speech to be damn perfect now. 

“I saw you for the first time when I was five years old. Your parents were fighting and you stepped in front of her as if you were trying to protect her. I had just stepped out of the car and the city was completely new to me. Everything was exciting and yet somehow you were all I was drawn too,” Steve’s mouth opened and closed as he listened to Bucky’s story but didn’t say anything. 

“I knew you straight away when I saw you at school that day. I didn’t think, I just acted. The thought of you getting hurt even back then physically hurt me. I was so happy when you came up to talk to me a few days later. What I am saying is I was always drawn to you. I always loved you. It just took me a while to catch up and now that I have I am never letting go,” Bucky promised as he handed over the hand wraps he had found at the bottom of his bag to Steve, who just frowned with a grin. 

“Hand wraps?”

“Yeah. People are gonna find out eventually and some are gonna be assholes about it. I don’t want you to hurt your hands when you beat them all up,” Bucky grinned, causing Steve to laugh and shake his head at him. 

“You’re such a jerk,” Steve grinned before turning more serious, “will you be there with me?”

Bucky smiled, gently cupping Steve’s face in his hands and Steve’s hands came to rest on his wrists, holding Bucky to him. Not that he had too. Bucky wasn’t going anywhere. 

“Until the end of the line, pal,” Bucky promised, making Steve’s smile even brighter. 

“Until the end of the line,” Steve repeated, before their lips met in a deep kiss, filled with promises, hopes, and dreams for their future together. Come what may, they would face it all head on as long as they had each other nothing was going to break them.

##  January 1st, 1943

The Siberian cold was biting at Bucky’s skin even with the thick layers of clothes he was wearing. It didn’t bother him that much, but it did make him wish he could pull Steve into his arms and revel in his warmth. That was one of the changes Bucky really loved about Steve’s transformation. The little guy used to always be so cold and Bucky would worry about him getting sick because of it all the time. Steve was not cold anymore. He was like a furnace, which reminded Bucky that he wouldn’t have to worry about losing Steve prematurely anymore. Not if the punk at least tried to be more careful on missions that were. 

Bucky sat on the rocks watching Steve with the other Howling Commandos surrounding them preparing for the train to appear beneath them. Steve looked so worried. The landing was dangerous and when they had made the plans last night it had caused a fight between Steve and Bucky. Steve hadn’t wanted Bucky to come. He wanted to go in alone, but Bucky wasn’t having it. What had started as an argument between a Captain and his Sergeant in the midst of the group, had quickly become a personal one when Bucky had screamed at Steve he wasn’t going to leave him. 

The two men had stopped yelling and stared each other down until the other soldiers had scrambled from the room. As soon as they had been alone, Bucky had walked up to Steve cupping his face and reminding him of their lifelong vow that now meant all the more between them. 

_ “I’m with you until the end of the line, Stevie. You can’t stop me from coming with you” _

Right now Bucky felt the worry come off Steve in waves. He had been growling all day. More than usual when he was focusing on a mission and Bucky desperately wanted to cheer him up. What he really wanted to do was pull him into his arms, kiss him and let him know everything was going to be fine, but he couldn’t. So Bucky did the only thing he knew how to do. 

He slowly walked up behind Steve, looking at the wire set up across the mountains hanging over the train tracks. It had been Steve’s idea and looking at it Bucky honestly wasn’t sure if he wanted to kiss him anymore or rather smack him for the stupidest idea yet. 

“Remember when I made you ride the Cyclone at Coney Island?” Bucky asked the small smile on his face that the memory brought him became evident in his voice. 

“Yeah, and I threw up?” Steve sounded a little confused by the sudden trip down memory lane, but Bucky just kept smiling as Steve looked up towards the wire above them. 

“This isn’t payback is it?” Bucky asked with a grin and their eyes met. For the first time in 24 hours, Steve smiled and Bucky’s heart skipped a beat. God, he loved him so much. Bucky didn’t care what the world would think of them anymore. As long as he had Steve he’d be happy. 

“Now why would I do a thing like that?” Steve’s eyes were shining with mischief and Bucky couldn’t help but chuckle, shaking his head a little and muttering “punk” under his breath.

“We were right. Dr. Zola is on the train,” Jones called from behind them and Steve and Bucky turned in tandem. A shadow appearing on both their faces with the mentioning of the name. Bucky hadn’t told Steve all that had been done to him during his capture but he had told him enough. 

The name made Bucky’s blood run cold in his veins and anger flair inside of him. Bucky was the only one that truly knew just how badly everyone underestimated Zola. Red Skull was seen as the head of HYDRA and that might be true. However, Zola was worse and Bucky knew that. Capturing him was the priority and after that Bucky’s priority would be to keep him in a cell for the rest of his days. Any freedom this man would be granted would be taken advantage off. He was without conscience or empathy.

“HYDRA dispatcher gave them permission to open up the throttle. Wherever they are going they must need him bad,” Jones continued as Bucky and Steve took a step closer to their brother in arms, sharing a look. This landing would be more dangerous than they had initially thought. Only a few of them was getting on that train and Bucky with one look made sure Steve knew it would be the two of them. He wasn’t letting Steve go on his own. 

The brakes were passed between the men. One to Steve who clicked his onto the wire right away. One to Bucky who took his place behind Steve, desperately trying to push down the rush of emotions coursing through him. He barely felt Jones line up behind him, even if he knew he was there. 

Bucky was completely caught up in his own thoughts of having to face Zola again. He had come a long way since the nights of waking up screaming from nightmares after his captivity, but Zola was a living embodiment of all his combined nightmares. He knew the man was capable of so much worse than he even knew of himself and he hated having Steve anywhere near him. He would see Steve as an experiment and something to to study. As much as Bucky wanted Zola locked up forever his first priority was keeping Steve safe. Just like it had always been. 

“We only got about a ten-second window,” Steve looked back at Bucky worry evident in his blue eyes for a few seconds before he slipped into full Captain America mode. “If you miss that window,” Steve kept talking, turning his attention to the mission at hand, “we’re bugs on a windshield.”

“Mind the gap,” Falsworth quipped trying to lighten the mood, only to be joined by Dum Dum doing the same. 

“Better get moving, Bugs.”

On Dernier’s count, Steve jumped from the cliff, zip lining towards the train, with Bucky right after him a few seconds later. Bucky’s mind was calm now and all he focused on was the mission. They needed to get Zola and he was making sure Steve wasn’t getting himself killed doing so. That was the mission in Bucky’s head. The last part never changed and it never would. 

Dernier’s count was spot on and Steve landed on the car before the one Bucky let himself fall down upon with Jones right behind him. On Steve’s hand signal the three of them started moving towards the ladder. The wind was pulling at them and it took all Bucky’s focus and willpower to keep balance upon the speeding train. As soon as Steve reached the ladder, Bucky looked back breathing a sigh of relief to see Jones was still with them too.  

Bucky squatted down by the ladder, meeting Steve’s eyes as he made his descent. Right now they weren’t husbands, lovers, or best friends, they were soldiers. A Sergeant blindly trusting his Captain leading him into war. Their history made everything easier, however. They needed no words, a look was enough to know and Bucky nodded to Jones, passing alone Steve’s silent order. Jones took his position on top of the roof ready to offer his two superiors back up from there should they need it, before making an attack from above.

Bucky himself quickly followed Steve down the ladder, jumping into the moving train right behind him. 

Bucky quickly pulled the door closed behind them before following Steve into the train. It wasn’t hard for Bucky to tell that the quiet easy access made Steve uneasy. Hell, it had Bucky more than a little worried as well. It wasn’t like HYDRA to be this careless, especially not with Dr. Zola on board. There wasn’t much Steve and Bucky could do now, however, they were inside and they had a mission to complete. Trap or not. 

Which was the last thing Bucky got to think before the doors between the cars slammed closed, separating the two men.

Bucky felt the same panic that was mirrored on Steve’s face as the super soldier twirled around slamming his fists against the door, looking back at Bucky through the glass. He wasn’t allowed more than a brief second of worry though before he heard the soldiers behind him. Bucky twirled around firing before ducking down behind the boxes to take cover. 

Bucky was a great shot and managed to take out two of the three men, but that didn’t change the fact he was trapped in the car of a moving train, running low on ammunition with a third shooting approaching him. It didn’t change the fact that Steve was trapped in a car up ahead with a fucking armed robot either. Bucky knew he had to get out of there but as the clip emptied and he fell back against the wall for over, he knew he was running out of options. 

Bucky jumped, looking up at the door next to him opened but quickly breath a sigh of relief when Steve came into view. The cheeky smile on Steve’s face instantly calmed Bucky as he read Steve’s face and slight gestures. He caught the handgun Steve threw him, both of them knowing that even with the super serum coursing through Steve’s veins Bucky was the better shot. Steve ran through the door under the cover of his shield and with one hard push causing one of the boxes to fly off the shell, making the soldier jump out of the way, giving Bucky a clear shot which he instantly took. The man went down and the car fell quiet as Bucky walked up behind Steve.

He needed to be closer to him to know that he really was in one piece. As soon as Bucky had calmed his own mind he spoke in an effort to calm Steve’s too and ensure him he was also unscattered. 

“I had him on the ropes,” Bucky insisted, making Steve’s lips tug upwards as he turned to face Bucky. 

“I know you did,” Steve answered, but before Bucky had time to process anything Steve grabbed his arm, pushing Bucky behind him. “Get down!”

A loud explosion sounded, as the side of the car was blown out on one side and Steve was thrown into the wall on the other. His shield landed a few inches from Bucky who was scrambling to his feet. He didn’t think when he picked it up. He just reacted on pure instinct as he got between the machine and Steve. Protecting the man he loved was all that mattered to Bucky has he stepped forward firing his handgun at the approaching armed robot. He didn’t get more than a few steps before the machine fired again. The blast hitting the shield sending Bucky backward out of the hole in the side of the car. 

Pain shot through Bucky’s body as he hit some of the debris on the way out but his willpower was stronger than the pain he felt from his side and back. He didn’t know how but he managed to grab a hold of an iron handle hanging a few feet from the opening in the wall. In that moment, Bucky didn’t worry about himself or the severe danger he found himself in. He knew the train was still on the bridge over the mountains, but he wasn’t afraid. Not for his own life anyway. All he could think about was Steve lying on the floor of the car with the machine still firing grenades inside with him.

Bucky fought to get a better hold so he could somehow pull himself up and back inside. He needed to make sure Steve was alright. The wind from the speeding train made it hard for him to even hold on, much less keep his eyes open to see the opening in the car. The wind felt like a thousand needles to his skin. The pain was excruciating and the only thing that kept him from letting go was the thought of Steve.  

Steve was everything to Bucky and in that moment all that he could think about; all that he fought for. It didn’t matter what happened to himself. All that mattered was Steve and his safety. Just like it had always had. 

“Bucky!” Steve’s voice sounded through the cold Siberian air and Bucky looked up, breathing a small sigh of relief when he saw Steve in the opening of the car, looking down on him. Steve was safe. It wasn’t until that moment the fear for his own life took a hold of him. Bucky didn't want to die. He wanted to live. He wanted to go back home to Brooklyn with Steve to their apartment. He wanted a dog and the life Steve had dreamt up for the both of them in the drawing he had given Bucky last week. 

“Hang on!” Steve yelled at him as he started to climb out of the car, inching his way towards Bucky. Normally, a move like this would have pissed Bucky off, but right now it didn’t matter. The same fear Bucky was feeling for Steve moments ago and now for his own life, was written all over Steve’s face. He was terrified and Bucky fought to hang on and inch himself closer to Steve. He fought for his own life, and for Steve. 

“Grab my hand,” Steve ordered and Bucky tried. He reached for Steve as the metal handle started coming loose of the side of the car. He realized the same moment as Steve it was too late and their eyes met. They didn’t need words. The love and loss were writing in each other’s eyes. Bucky fought to hold back his tears, still wanting to be strong for Steve even in his last moments.

“No!” Steve cried out a split second before the handle came loose, falling towards the mountains and rocks below, taking Bucky with it. 

Bucky heard the scream, not even realizing it had been his own as his life and dreams flashed before his eyes. He remembered being five years old seeing Steve on the streets of Brooklyn for the first time. Memories of that night he had found Steve outside their apartment and seen the bruises Joseph had left on his son’s body played in Bucky’s mind. Days on Coney Island and stolen moments in tents during a war kissing and making love to each other. His mind cruelly replayed the shared hopes of a future together they would now never get to see. 

The last image that flashed through Bucky’s mind was his favorite one. He saw the way the setting sun had reflected in the blue of Steve’s eyes the night they had danced on the hilltop in French. His last memory was how warm and loved he had felt swaying with Steve under the stars that night. Bucky fought to hold onto that feeling as a sharp pain shot through his left arm, before the cold dark waters surrounded him, filling his lungs. A feeling of a million blades piercing his lungs and body stopped any conscious thoughts and chased the image of Steve far away as his world faded to black. 


End file.
